January 5, 2009 weird news

For small-ticket items like umbrellas, polyester money-belts emptied of cash or novelty hats, bargain hunters and holiday-shopping cheapskates can save a few shekels when shopping for those who have nothing by hitting their local public transit auction.

If you’d like to get your greasy mitts on bigger-ticket items with the serial numbers filed off, you can always hit a police auction and take your pick of the repository of stuff confiscated from local riffraff—a station wagon with the tires shot out, an outboard used for immigration excursions into the Florida panhandle— before your friendly neighborhood beat cop has a chance to sell it back to them.

For bona fide high rollers who would like to squander their riches on things like a a thong that once flossed the arse of Demi Moore or a bottle of Elvis’ halitosis breath, there are auction houses like Sothebey’s and Christie’s where there’s also a lucrative market for those heirlooms that mysteriously came into your family’s possession after the war.

At an auction held by Christie’s in New York State last year, the paddles were flapping faster than a round of amphetamine-fueled table tennis when a bottle of 81-year-old Macallan Scotch sold for $38,000, the highest price the fire water has ever fetched at the auction house.

The whiskey was distilled in 1926 in Scotland and bottled in 1986 before being purchased by a private investor. An expensive wine of that vintage that had been exposed to air would most likely prove useful only to wilt flowers and ward off bats in an enclosed space, but, fortunately for the purchaser of the rare bottle of hooch at Christie’s, whiskey suffers from no such limitations.

“You can open it up, have some, close [it] and enjoy it again at your leisure. It’s not going to spoil,” according ot the head of wine and spirit sales for Christie’s America.

Apparently though, the real bargains can be had on Ebay, though product appraisal can be difficult [for a case in which it's not so difficult at all, please see our Top 10 Crappiest Christmas Ornaments Found on Ebay or considering the product pictured here, a certain Hankey Bannister, please see our list of the World's Worst Sounding Booze Brands] .

According to a National Examiner piece, there are two very active but equally idiosyncratic collector subsets, Jack Daniel’s collectors and Maker’s Mark collectors. Both producers encourage collecting (but not of the variety that includes a corner store and pantyhose pulled over your head) by issuing many limited edition commemorative bottles.

One of these, which we purchased in Tennessee, hauled across the border and consumed hastily on the other side, was one such lovely bottle of Gentleman Jack, ’cause we’re gentlemen, Jack.

January 2, 2009 Nanny State Nonsense

With the New Year just hours old, instead of boozing it up with the rest of us, the Nanny State has been conspiring to issue an early morning wake up call to those of us who were sleeping off the remnants of 08 with a new campaign.

The idea is to “kickstart a lifestyle revolution for every family” by promoting healthy eating and exercise, and includes names you’d typically associate with ordering a pizza after midnight (or those typically part of a birthday spread for a hyperactive 8-year old) Coca Cola, Kellogg’s, Kraft, Mars and Nestle. [Please burn off some extra calories by clicking all over our site and particularly on our Coke Vitamin Water post]

People will be able to call a dedicated helpline and get advice from specially-trained nutrition and exercise advisers (who are doing toe calisthenics and butt clenches while you’re on hold) who will counsel against eating any products made by the aforementioned, unless compelled to sign some kind of release which includes not mentioning any of them by name.

New TV ads will be launched, comparing a time when kids risked attack from the neighborhood Rottweiler by fishing out balls from the neighbor’s yard, to one when the whole family gathered around the television to a diet of pizza and soda before kids retired to their rooms for 8-12 hours of gaming and the parents brought out the beer. [Please see our take on a delightful combination of the two, Pizza Flavored Beer]

Because Barack Obama and Sheryl Crow haven’t completely monopolized the term, this campaign is referred to as the cutesy Change4Life.

Britain’s National Health Service (NHS) is not ruling out further legislation if this three-year endeavor fails (or however long it takes for the funding to be cut by whatever government happens to be in power at the time).

Heroes

Happy New Year to everyone and warmest regards to all.

We would’ve posted yesterday, however we were busy fine-tuning our How to Survive a Hangover: Holiday Tips in preparation for what will undoubtedly be another booze-soaked year, and found that some of our advice may have wanting.

Perhaps it wasn’t so much the advice itself, as it was that between us we’d consumed enough beer and cheap wine to stun an ungulate.

Still, we figured we’d continue to test the limits of the human kidney today, swill bath loads of strong coffee, and re-fortify ourselves for a Friday post in keeping with the production schedule our readers (who’ve become accustomed to free thrice-weekly comedy postings, those ever-demanding ingrates) of Monday, Wednesday and Friday.

In 09, The Shark Guys will, despite the economic downturn that has ravaged those of you with real jobs, continue to bring you the funny.

We’ve cut back on those $500 stipends doled out to interns, demanding the funds be returned and showing them the door and we’ve outsourced some of our Top 10 Lists to Southeast Asia, but rest assured, we will translate phonetic Vietnamese into what will hopefully continue to be the type of high-end, hilarity you’ve come to know, love and add to your newsfeeds.

So, we shakily raise a mug of orange pekoe tea to everyone and look forward to bringing you Cuban refugee boat loads’ worth of mirth for another, this our second, year in operation.

The Shark Guys

December 30, 2008 Mad Science

Sometimes we work late, and other times — most times — we drink heavily and end up in front of the TV at odd hours, which, without a satellite, means infomercials. Here then is our rundown of a few recent items up for grabs. First, the Dual-Action Cleanse. Do not mistake the Dual-Action Cleanse for a new electric toothbrush. You wouldn’t want it anywhere near your mouth, particularly not after it’s been in use. The Cleanse is, actually, a do-it-yourself colonic irrigation kit, for those of you who can’t be arsed (pardon the choice of words) to go to some spa and have the exorbitantly expensive and pointless  procedure done there. (Word to the wise: you’ll crap out whatever the colonic would have sucked out in three days anyway, so save yourself some cash, and call up Dr. Colonel Sanders). According to its claims, the Dual-Action Cleanse has “literally swept across the nation” (we’d hate to be the guy who has to mop up afterwards). Its creator, the shady fight promoter / golden-showers-porn director lovechild of Steve Buscemi and John Waters [below], has a formula “coveted by rivals”, that aims to rid the world of “undigested toxic waste that weighs you down”, in this, his one-man crusade to replicate the bowel movements of children in adults. Yes, that’s right. And if you haven’t been sick today, then here you go, an early barf before New Year’s Day:  “I saw my four year old’s bowel movements, and they seemed so large for her size”, (It must be said that his daughter could well be freakishly large).

Klee Irwin wants to clean your pipes

That creepy Mephistophelian colon plumber though, simply cannot compete with the likes of his early morning pitchman rivals Mr T and Jack LaLanne (whose products are on intake valve side of the ingestion/expulsion divide), even if Dual action cleansing herbal Mojo gets your arse backfiring like a 67 Sting Ray.

If you came of age in the 80s, have prescription-drug related insomnia or basic cable, you’ll know Mr. T — who’ll kick, not cleanse the shit out of you.  Mr T, the A-Team mainstay and coiner of “I believe in the golden rule…the guy with all the gold, rules”, is the man behind the Flavor Wave Turbo, which cooks things so thoroughly that, according to user accounts, “garnishments [sic] aren’t needed”  (a good thing, as at its price point of 3 payments of $39.53 it’s unlikely that a warning, served on a third party to hold money or property belonging to a debtor who is being sued by a creditor, is required)

The device, which “can be used as a serving dish”, if your dining room can accommodate a full-size snooker table or lunch for the average rugby team, has “tornado-like airflow and virtually cleans itself” [Editor's note: to surmise what is meant by this, compare a virtual world with a real one].

This also answers that age old question, wasn’t he the guy who ruined Wrestlemania? “Forget to defrost again?” and offers T space for choice zingers like “This meat looks like the frozen food section!” and “I pity the fool who tries to get this down!”, comments that luckily for all concerned, are made pre speed-cooking/defrost.

With endorsements from none other than Bobbie Sue Luther, the newscaster from Deuce Bigolow: European Gigolo, leathery fitness peddler Jack LaLanne pushes the “Amazing health benefits of juicing!”, benefits that are so amazing, they make biting into an apple rather than crushing it into liquid form at high speed, seem almost quaint.

With over “15,000 hours of juicing capability” (but not in a row, unless you’re off the power grid or have a forgiving landlord), and 36 RPM of centrifugal force to crush whatever helpless legume/citrus fruit crosses its path,  the Juicer also comes with its own recipe book, a candidate for the much-anticipated follow up to our Top 10 Worst Cookbooks of All Time.

“Are you tired, overweight, lacking energy?” If so, you probably aren’t up at 3:45AM watching his infomercial. ‘Do you wish you could look and feel young again? You can, by ‘unlocking the power of natural juice‘. Store bought juices can sit on store shelves per month and be loaded with preservatives but with a Power Juicer, you ‘always know it’s fresh’ (our italics). [Fasting editor's note: comparisons to actual fruit conspicuously absent]

The Power Juicer seems like some unnecessary go-between, when you could simply have LaLanne come by and ram a clementine down your gullet.

Stay tuned as we review the Air Purifier and Rock Hard Abs in 10 Days, on the 11th day (if you aren’t completely satisfied, you get a free ab)