Teen Girl DUI: Drunk driver, 14, with mom in car

Whether it’s wowing Guitar Hero’s aging demographic with one’s innate ability to shred, making the competition look like dunderheads in a spelling bee or doing complex mathematical equations on the back of a Hello Kitty lunchbox, we live in a society where precociousness, however smug-seeming and nauseating it is for those without kids, is celebrated.

This sort of admiration carries over to a certain extent in manners of drinking. We all admired the kind of guy who was capable of out-drinking our parents when he was 15, and, years later, we’re happy to tip him for giving the windshield a good scrub when we go in for a fill-up. But this respect does not extend to youthful drunk drivers. If there is an upside to drunk-driving, or, as we call it, the orange pylon obstacle course home from the bar, it’s that most of the time those committing this offence are older, and thus benefit somewhat from more experience behind the wheel – this to be judged in proportion with the fact that they may well be seeing two of everything through one squinting eye while peering out over a steering wheel.

When alcohol levels are high and driving experience at a minimum, all hell can and often does break loose. When the following story came across the wires, we recalled the chapter in The Shark Book dedicated to youthful alcoholic indiscretions “The Halls of Drunker Learning: Grade A Boozing”, particularly the case of the young hellion who the source newspaper claimed was then “The UK’s youngest ever drunk driver” first arrested for taking the wheel after getting soused at Christmas dinner. At 14, she was still unrepentant and made a flashy showing at a court hearing by showing up in a gold-chain plus all-white ensemble to cuss out the judge, throw eggs at reporters and clock the crown prosecutor.

Alas, this story does not involve such entertaining theatrics, but it could very well end up as at least an honorable mention when this year’s “You Deserve Another Mother” awards are handed out. The 14-year-old in this story earned her DUI stripes while out for a drive with ma. Momsy was passed out in the passenger’s seat sleeping one off while her drunken daughter veered wildly around on the road, eventually rolling the Dodge Caravan in a ditch. According to reports it took Department of Transportation officials “considerable time” to clean up all of the beer bottles and malt liquor containers that flew out of the vehicle.

"I can't even wrap my brain around how you would let your 14-year-old daughter drive drunk, let alone drive with her," said one local cop. Efforts to solve this mystery were not helped by the drunken babbling responses of the mother who went on to deny criminal wrongdoing in the case.