Loud Music in Bars Linked to Increased Drinking: Health Files from the Drawer Marked 'Obvious'
The presence of a bunch of clipboard wielding scientists blocking access to the bar, is apparently not enough to dissuade people from drinking, according to a new study in which it was determined after much scrutiny of the data (and noting that the sky above is a shade of blue) that people tend to drink more where the music is louder.
Over the course of three weekends French researchers were able to marry work and pleasure by frittering away grant money on what is patently obvious to anyone who's ever sidled up to a bar and thought to themselves, 'you know what? this place would be a hell of a lot more fun if there was a live band, or at the very least, a stereo'. According to researchers at the University of Southern Brittany, 'environmental music played in a bar is associated with an increase in drinking', and while we're not sure what this means exactly, it might refer to Al Gore sitting in with the house band playing a carbon negative stand up bass.
Now, we've done comparable research ourselves, but had to fund it out of pocket and call it a tab when we came up with our Top 10 Bar Songs of All Time, a list which we highly recommend. And if you're ever in a bar where a bunch of eggheads are trying to spoil your good time, buy 'em a round and crank these to oblivion.
For those whose "Sunday Best" refers to what's worn at the Piggly Wiggly cashing in those cheesy nacho Hamburger Helper coupons, here are a few beer-themed sartorial suggestions you can run by the missus as she lights a Vantage Ultra Light off the propane barbecue and kicks back in a hammock.
Now, we've chronicled all manner of drunken exploit in our book, The Man Who Scared a Shark to Death and Other True Tales of Drunken Debauchery, from leaping into a stark and stingray-filled aquarium drunk on a bet (the title story) to trying to beat a DUI rap by handing the cops ID belonging to a guy with a glass eye and hoping they wouldn't notice. Our guess is, the type of person who'd get up to such hijinks would undoubtedly have a drawer filled with garments like the ones we're showcasing here that the wife would most certainly try and shrink in the wash or sneak off to a church clothing drive when her man is out of town.
For a night on the town blinding a biker with your pool cue's butt end, beating the snot out of a motel ice machine, and kicking up dust at the state police, nothing says 'I'm not to be messed with' like a good ol' 1) Classic Beer TorTank Top. If you're the adventurous type, it comes complete with double entendre seen here.
How do you establish territorial boundaries and also alert people to the fact that your name is Dick, and you drink beer? The answer is to the left, though technically the T would make more sense if it were on the actual beer, like a beer cosy perhaps. If you receive this as a gift and your name is not Dick, it's probably best that you reconsider the nature of your association with the person doing the giving. To the right, we have the kind of T-shirt that is a must for anyone who has ever worked out for longer than one week. What use is having the big guns unless you wear one of these to show them off? There is no point in lifting weights, or even in breaking a sweat, unless you have the kind of clothing that can reveal your efforts to the outside world. [Fashion Suggestion: Best paired with an undergarment of some kind, though for the girl who is looking for instant popularity this is completely optional.]
2. The Coors Draw String Pant. Elegant, stylish, these are words that are never mentioned in conjunction with this item. A comfy expandable elastic waistband, means you're limited only by how many Hardee's Thickburgers can be forced down your gullet and by how many negative triglycerides readings come back from the lab that you choose to ignore before that tingling sensation in your arm gets too worrisome. [Fashion Suggestion: Pair with a sleeveless Stone Cold Steve Austin 3:16 T, Crocs, a frog doing something sexually suggestive tank top or bare-chested if you have errands to run and drive a jeep]
3. Budweiser Tie.For more official gatherings, like say the christening of the neighbor's riding mower, the burying of a beloved family pet or a sentencing hearing, you can get the gavel banger to at least chuckle at your official Budweiser Tie before sending you straight up the river without a raft. Whether such bold haberdashery really constitutes throwing yourself on the mercy of the court (or just a cheap ploy to beat that Oxycontin possession/indecent exposure rap) is up to legal interpretation.
4. King of Beers One-piece/Corona Bikini Top. For a more tasteful statement, such as a backyard grill-off where the neighbor's leering nephews are present, here's a two-piece, left. For wrestling in wet lettuce/impromptu Playboy Mansion badminton, to the right is a sassier version once those same kids turn 17. [Corrupting a minor charges vary according to state]
5. The 'Got Beer?' Combination Belt/Bottle Opener. Who says style can't be functional? Give your back molars a rest as this versatile product will pop open bottles, hold up your pants, and if a rumble breaks out, you're an arm and a 38 waist's length away from being able to reach out and flog someone.
6. The Beer Belly Pouch Best accessorized with a Corona Draw String Pant if you're asymptomatic after that gastric bypass. With specs including an 80 ounce capacity and able to accommodate up to a 40-inch waistline, this product will fit at least one third of the target demographic. For a similar product we've reviewed here, click[Fashion Suggestion: For special occasions like staff meetings, sales presentations, wear a collared buttoned shirt over top, feed the drinking tube through the sleeve and surreptitiously sip from the wrist. This only applies if you're not the one conducting either meeting, unless you want to call a five minute recess to take a few swigs in the office's handicapped bathroom]
7. Miller Lite ThongFloss that 'junk in your trunk' and show your significant other that your tastes in the boudoir correspond to the case of junk you just stashed in the trunk.
8. Budweiser Beer Hat. Protect yourself from UV radiation, skin damage, good taste and the company of womenfolk with this bona fide Budweiser Beer Hat. Also, prevent sustaining any further head injury of the type that would result in the decision to sport this anywhere beyond the backyard (where it should only be donned if there is a sufficiently tall hedge) or the local laughing academy, where unfortunately, all such beverages would immediately be confiscated.
9.St Paddy's Socks Celebrate St Patrick's Day all year round with St Paddy's Day Commemorative Socks.I don't know about you, but we feel green just looking at them.
10. Pints of Beer Cuff Links. For your first time wearing cuff links, take your cue from the tone of the event you're to attend and what others will be wearing. If those people are completely and wholly unreliable, create a stir with your very own Pints of Beer Cuff Links[Fashion Suggestion: Wow the VIP section of your local Tough Man Contest with these beauties]
'Cover' your Ears! The 10 Worst Bon Jovi Cover Versions of All Time
Bon Jovi's baffling popularity has continued unabated for two decades now, as this weekend's Central Park concert shows, however in our minds, there is nobody more deserving of both a solid punt to the arse, or a safe dropped on them from a sufficient height, than these crap-rock poster boys, whose music is so middle of the road, their tour bus should have its own dedicated lane.
If only we could lace 'em up and kick 'em when they're down, but they're never down, churning out the same Springsteen-lite cacophony year after year.
To honor the band, and also in the spirit of celebrating the worst of everything, we've decided to put together a tribute, of sorts, to Bon Jovi, the world’s mostfamous Bruce Springsteen tribute band/wimp rock quartet.
Unlike some bands, the core group has remained relatively intact. This has enabled the Jersey boys with Swiss watch- like reliability, to consistently put out unspeakably awful music year after year.
The sole exception of course, the booting bass player Alec John Such (the 'soul' of the group in that he sported soul patch facial hair), because he ‘couldn’t play his instrument’—a requirement obviously forgotten as few of the remaining members actually know how to play theirs (with the exception being David Bryan, the band’s keyboard player, who actually trained at the Juilliard School of Music, and judging by his current gig tickling the ivories with the Jersey dunder-heads, is about as overqualified as the 'Ice Man' Chuck Liddell doing security detail at a Girl Scouts Jamboree)
Their intrepid leader Jon Bon Jovi, of course, is Bruce Springsteen— if Bruce had a tin ear, Meg Ryan’s hairstylist, and penned gems like ‘Tomorrow's getting harder make no mistake, Luck ain't even lucky’ instead of great songs like Born to Run, Highway Patrolman or Thunder Road.
It is not hyperbole to say that BJ represents everything wrong with modern music, or at least, modern horticultural hair band music that became more bankrupt, creatively speaking, than Bear Stearns, and peaked around oh, 1987, unbeknownst to the band.
Bon Jovi is a church-basement rummage sale clearing house version of The Boss. Their ‘rock-lite’ is more sanitized than a trauma burn unit and their Forest Gump libretti induces more projectile vomiting than the elimination round at a chili eating contest. If this wasn't enough, and from our vantage point here it certainly is, their news anchor bobs will guarantee they’re a shoe-in for the next installment of ‘Old Men who Look Like Lesbians’.
The only thing worse than an actual Bon Jovi song, however, is Bon Jovi doing a version of someone else’s, automatically better original. Worse still, would be someone actually COVERING a Bon Jovi song, but to the best of our knowledge, the likelihood of this occurring is about as probable as a meteor the size of the state of New Jersey striking the earth.
Since their own music wasn’t bad enough, here is Bon Jovi doing what they do best—spilling their own REO Speedwagon / Journey / Three Dog Night / Springsteen-lite effluent on some of the world’s most well-beloved songs. Luckily for all concerned, these are so popular that nobody would mistake them for Bon Jovi originals and mislead any future generations. Here, in no particular order, because the pork rendering plant stench emanating from each, is indistinguishable from the other, is our 10 Worst Bon Jovi Covers of All Time:
10. Save the Last Dance for Me, Pomus and Shuman. Among the 'better' song on this list, only in the sense that it's better to have testicular cancer than say, lung. The presence of Willy Deville's voice means fewer verses for JBJ
9. You Were Always on My Mind Willie Nelson. Since his battle with the IRS, legendary Willie Nelson seems contractually obligated to work with just about anyone, and unfortunately this includes the Bon Jovi frontman
8. Rockin' in the Free World, Neil Young.This 'free world' musically speaking, is more like a police state run by a strong-armed military junta
7. Hallelujah, Leonard Cohen. The second piece of Canadiana desecrated by the Garden State purveyors of garden-variety pop rock, that neither pops nor rocks.
6. I Thank You, Hayes & Porter, as performed by Sam & Dave. Debasing the Stax Records legacy
5. Not Fade Away, Buddy Holly & Norman Petty, made famous by Buddy Holly & the Crickets.Contrary to the wishes of music fans, Bon Jovi have been living up to the title
4. Fever Eddie Cooley & John Davenport, made famous by Peggy Lee A rectal thermometer would fail to detect any heat emanating from this lukewarm version.
3. Twist & Shout by Phil Medley & Bert Russell, made famous by the Isley Brothers and the Fab Four. If the Isley Brothers got wind of this, they'd commit fratricide.
2. Help by Lennon & McCartney. This is beyond 'Help'. If Paul McCartney heard this, he'd pummel Jon Bon with Heather Mills' peg leg
1. R.E.S.P.E.C.T.by Otis Redding, made famous by Aretha Franklin Bon Jovi's ironic, disrespectful take on Redding's classic
We are both Canadian, as those who are close to us and those who update our driver's licenses every 10 years know (these two groups are, for now, mutually exclusive... but we're working on buttering up a few of the people who give the eyesight test).
However, we have enjoyed numerous benders throughout the United States, most memorably in New Orleans, Nashville and New York City (Doc Holliday's currently has a plaque by our barstools which we visit on occasion to spit shine), California, and a fair number of ports of call in between. The vast majority of the stories in our book, "The Man Who Scared a Shark to Death and Other True Tales of Drunken Debauchery" took place in the USA and, while that might not be something that McCain or Obama would mention in patriotic speeches while campaigning, it is something that we greatly appreciate.
As such, we'd like to extend our wishes for a happy fourth of July to our American friends, and, going that one step further, we'd also like to offer a gift of sorts on this auspicious day, a Shark Guys look at The Top 10 Fourth of July party gear. It may be too late for this merch to brighten up this Fourth of July, but as with Christmas lights on the house in June, it's never too early to get ready for an upcoming holiday even if it's months off. So here it is...
The Shark Guys guide to Fourth of July Party Gear!
1) Stars and Stripes Guitar-Shaped Belt-Buckle and Bottle Opener: This product, which can be yours for the low-low price of $15.99, is quite possibly the greatest patriotic item in the history of mankind. Are we exaggerating? Short answer: No. This is for the patriotic citizen who is looking to spend his Independence Day kicking ass and chewing bubblegum, but who suddenly finds himself lacking completely in bubble gum. Not only is this item rock n' roll by its very shape -- tell us you don't think of Jimi Hendrix's version of the Star Spangled Banner when you clock your eyes on to that -- but it's also an extremely versatile product. First it will help hold up your pants, and if you're going to be cutting loose on the dance floor this Independence Day, that's a mighty important thing. Two, you can open your beers on it. What's more, you can make friends, and possibly win a future wife, by letting others open their beers on your belt. Of course, any bar where belt-buckles like this are the norm might be the kind of place where a broken nose and a fist-fight are part of the floor show. That is where it's third use comes in: as a weapon. What better way to celebrate your country's birthday then by leaving the impression of Ole' Glory on some idiot's forehead?
2) American Flag-themed rolling papers: While marijuana is still illegal under US federal law, several states have decriminalized in it. In California, you can get a medical permit to access enough of the stuff to make Snoop Dogg want to throw up from the smell. Celebrate the great freedoms in the US that only promise to get greater as the decriminalization of pot continues by sparking up an Independence Day joint that is the size of Shaq's middle finger using these appropriately-themed rolling papers. 3) Budweiser American Eagle Beer-tap Handle:Frank Zappa once said "You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline. It helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer."
America's beer (for now, until the takeover deal with Belgian mega-brewer Inbev goes through), and a surprisingly popular choice in Ireland where there is better beer (like Beamish) on offer, is Budweiser. We cannot trash talk this brew too too much as we have our own similarly shite beers in Canada, thank you Messers Molson and Labatt. This ornamental beer tap however can be put on any sort of brew and you can put a piece of masking tape over the Budweiser name. Drinking draft beer is about the most pleasantly patriotic thing we can think of doing, and what better way to do that then by tapping the symbol of American freedom, and the motif for many a bad tattoo, the bald eagle.
4) Story of the American Revolution Beer Stein:You've sat through hours of history class in school and made a concerted effort to forget what you were learning the moment it hit your ears. You watched the HBO John Adams miniseries and enjoyed it, but couldn't reconcile one of your founding fathers being played by that guy from Sideways who slurped wine out of a McDonald's super-sized cup. So how do you keep up with a conversation on patriotism and the American tradition on this auspicious day? By guzzling beer from one of these handsomely decorated beer steins. Running along the sides of the beer steins are four of the most important battles of the revolutionary war -- the Battle of Bunker Hill, the Battle of Princeton, the Battles of Saratoga and the Siege of Yorktown. Remembering these four names and remarking, "Ah, it really gets to you when you think of the fine men who fought at [insert name of battle depending on position of stein at the time of utterance]." If you're drinking with fellow patriots, and you are drinking in public (the latter unlikely unless you are the kind of guy who brings his own stein to the bar, in which case we salute you) someone may even buy you a round.
5) US Military Pool Cue Set: Americans may not have invented the game of billiards, but they have certainly produced some of its finest champions, invariably dubbed 'Fats' and they most definitely have made the best movies on the sport -- we're talking "The Hustler", not its inferior sequel which Martin Scorsese made to pay off creditors. The cues can be purchased separately and there is one each for the Army, Air Force, Marines, Navy, Coast Guard, and the U.S. Flag. This is the ideal way to support the troops on Independence Day, acknowledge the sacrifices made by past generations so that you could enjoy your present freedoms, and win 10 bucks by hustling some rube who thinks you can't play worth a damn.
6) Stars and Stripes Nunchucks: If you party the way you should be partying on Independence Day, chances are the neighbors are going to get upset. Raising a ruckus and getting all the neighborhood dogs howling in unison is what freedom is all about. The perfect gift for the Independence Day partier who lives on the wrong side of the tracks, these slick-looking nun chucks will most certainly club the nearest beat cop investigating a disturbance into quick submission. They have "don't tread on me" written all over them. It is recommended when rapping someone across the knees with these babies that you say something along the lines of "And that, came from the good ole' U, S, of A".
7) Old Glory Surgical Cap: While in revolutionary times, it's unlikely to have been donned while lopping off a gangrenous limb, you can perform impromptu living room gallbladder removals or, if you're actually a saw bones, atrial septal defect repair in the more sanitary confines of a surgical suite, while winking at the surgical nurses who'd no doubt delight in your youthful exuberance.
8) Stars & Stripes Guitar Pick Earrings. Have you ever been at a party where you're asked to rock out on someone's axe, and you demur with a 'uh, I don't have a pick?' (or even a Mexican peso, famously played by Billy Gibbons of ZZ Top) Well, now you don't have to empty out lint-riddled pockets with your very own, guitar pick earrings. Also works well with Hendrix, playing-guitar-behind-your-head impressions [for a quick tutorial, check out this portly fellow]
9) Red, White and Blue Cat Collar: Make Fluffy easier to find if she makes a mad dash for freedom.
10) A Hat That Will Give you a Standing Ovation: This item speaks for itself, as does the pained expression on the model's face, who looks like she's being asked to 'pull my finger' rather than the string that makes the hands clap.
The link between nose candy and enhanced productivity was also noted by rock stars of the 1970s, who quite correctly observed that there were only so many hours in the day for bedding groupies, sleeping off an all-nighter, and still managing to stand upright for a few hours while in a recording studio (pianists were exempt from this and could stretch out on their benches during long guitar solos).
With hourly rates for such facilities often costing in the neighborhood of a small to mid-sized sedan and producers with extraordinarily busy schedules (in that there were only so many hours in the day to bed the groupies rock stars passed over), it became imperative for these bands to maximize the time spent in a recording studio so that the 45 consecutive minutes of strumming that F chord just right with a conga back beat could be captured for posterity.
With such a hectic schedule, it's no wonder why many rock stars of the 70s (and right up to the present day), spent their on and off hours planting their kissers in powder. Notably, Steven Tyler and Joe Perry of Aerosmith became known as "The Toxic Twins", not because they were born in Buffalo's Love Canal area, but because their proboscis suctioning rivaled that of your average centrally installed vacuum. [For those curious about just how bad a performer can stink when he straightens out, click here for a sober Mr Tyler yelping his way like a Russian sled dog, through 'Amazing Grace' at a Detroit church].
Candy Cane became the key that unlocked creativity's gates, which some musicians found slammed shut as soon as they went straight, most notably, everyone we've mentioned here. Now, we bring you, the Top Five Cocaine Songs of All Time -- tunes that celebrate the white stuff not referenced on the Weather Channel, and promote the kind of lifestyle that ensured Studio 54 was never late with its rent check.
5)"Casey Jones"and"Truckin", by the Grateful Dead: These Dead songs casually mention cocaine use as part of the average work day for those in two occupations -- a train conductor and a trucker -- and we're hoping this was more fantasy than fiction. Truckers are already not the kind of people that most like to share the road with -- their egos being inflated in proportion to their rigs and requiring no further boost from chemicals. Cocaine use might, however, explain, how train conductors can crash something that sets out on a predetermined track.The Dead themselves were no strangers to being intoxicated in transit, having landed themselves on our equally controversial list "The Top 10 Drinking and Driving Songs of All Time" with their line "She takes the wheel when I'm seein' double, pays my ticket, when I speed'. The 'livin' on reds, vitamin C and cocaine" lifestyle is unlikely to feature prominently in the health and wellness section of your local bookstore alongside "You: On a Diet", or "Train your Brain to Think like a Thin Person".
“Driving that train, high on cocaine, Casey Jones is ready, watch your speed.”
"Livin' on reds, vitamin C, and cocaine All a friend can say is ain't it a shame?"
4) "Can't You Hear Me Knockin'", "Sister Morphine", and "Moonlight Mile",(basically the entire "Sticky Fingers" album)by the Rolling Stones: Pound for pound, or more accurately, ounce for ounce, "Sticky Fingers" is one of the most drug-addled albums ever released, with nearly half of the songs on it in some way referencing drugs either obliquely, or quite explicitly with heroin in Dead Flowers, morphine in Sister Morphine, or singing the praises of a nighttime bump in Moonlight Mile. Sticky Fingers, along with Neil Young's "Tonight's the Night" are among the most depressing albums of the 1970s, and together make the Tom Waits song catalog sound like the collected works of the Village People by comparison.
"Yeah, you got satin shoes Yeah, you got plastic boots Ya'll got cocaine eyes Yeah, you got speed-freak jive" "Sweet cousin cocaine, lay your cool cool hand on my head Ah, come on, sister morphine, you better make up my bed" "When the wind blows and the rain feels cold with a head full of snow, with a head full of snow"
3) Cocaine Blues (traditional, composed by Reverend Gary Davis, as performed by Bob Dylan): There are numerous songs out there that go by the name "Cocaine Blues" or a variation thereof, presumably because there was no shortage of real-life material on which to base such ditties. We're slotting two of the more prominent in our third and second spots. The first is a "traditional" song, which means that it's public domain and can therefore be burned, photocopied, recorded, dubbed over, mixed with farm animal sounds, and played over and over again on the street corner to the annoyance of everyone within 100 yards (public noise ordinances notwithstanding) -- all with copyright-infringement impunity. The Reverend Gary Davis, who, unlike Brother Horton Heat earlier in the list, actually was an ordained minister, laid down the definitive version of this one, and a young Bob Dylan added it to his repertoire. This version takes us through some of the less pleasant aspects of cocaine use -- hence the "blues" part -- including:
Any pretense to romance going out the window:
You take Sally, an’ I’ll take Sue, Ain't nah difference between the two. Cocaine all around my brain.
Unpleasant physical effects:
Hey baby, you better come here quick, This old cocaine ‘bout to make me sick. Cocaine all around my brain.
And one quite bizarre veterinary notion:
Cocaine's for horses and it's not for men, Doctor said it kill you, but he didn’t say when. Cocaine all around my brain.
2) Cocaine Blues, (traditional, as performed by Johnny Cash): The second of our public domain songs (go ahead and record this one on YouTube using a butt kazoo and a ukulele for all the record companies care) was first known by the far more ominous sounding name "Transfusion Blues", but popularized as Cocaine Blues by none other than the Man in Black (especially after Labor Day) Johnny Cash. This was one of the songs that Cash sang at Folsom Prison that no doubt had the guards ruining underwear while wondering whether they would soon have a riot on their hands. This super-charged song tells the story of Willie Lee, a "hack", which we presume means either a prison guard or cop, as a reporter for a schlock newspaper wouldn't be as cool, who takes a shot of cocaine and shoots his cheating woman down. He then flees to Mexico, but is apprehended, put before a jury of "12 honest men" and sentenced to "99 years in the Folsom Pen". By the end the convicted prisoner advises his fellows to stay off the cocaine, not to murder, mind you, but to avoid the cocaine; he seems ok about the murdering your wife part.
The judge he smiled as he picked up his pen 99 years in the Folsom pen 99 years underneath that ground I can't forget the day I shot that bad bitch down Come on you've gotta listen unto me lay off that whiskey and let that cocaine be
1) "Cocaine", by J.J. Cale: Don't be fooled by Clapton's fatigued version, this gem penned by J.J. Cale (a man to whom Slow Hand arguably owes his entire career) is in our estimation, the definitive blizzard ditty. Clapton is quoted on Wikipedia as having once said that “Cocaine” is actually an anti-cocaine song. If you study it or look at it with a little bit of thought... from a distance... or as it goes by… it just sounds like a song about cocaine. But in actual fact, it is quite cleverly anti-cocaine.” Being that Clapton didn't write this song, this opinion is about as valuable as the answer you'd get if you asked the Byrds what they were thinking when they came up with "Mr. Tambourine Man". Defending his position, Clapton mentions the lyric, "If you wanna get down, down on the ground; cocaine" to demonstrate that the song is anti-coke. He doesn't mention though that every other lyric in the song could feature in the text of a Colombian drug-runner's spring/fall catalogue:
If you want to hang out, you've got to take her out, cocaine She don't lie, she don't lie, she don't lie, cocaine If you got bad news, you want to kick them blues, cocaine When your day is done and you got to run, cocaine She don't lie, she don't lie, she don't lie, cocaine If your thing is gone and you want to ride on, cocaine Dont forget this fact, you cant get it back, cocaine She dont lie, she dont lie, she don't lie, cocaine
Honorable and Dishonorable Mentions:
As always with these lists, there were more contenders than there were places in the Top 10. Here we've selected some other songs that could just as easily have made it up with their nostril-thrilling brethren above. Since there are Kid Rock fans out there, and quite possibly a fan of the Libertines might still be drawing air, we will let you determine which of these deserves an honorable or dishonorable badge. Click on the title of the song for the YouTube link:
We run streets like drunks run street lights We collidin' with life as we speak We knee-deep in coke, we keep deep in ice We flood streets with dope, we keep weed to smoke
Given the theme of our book, "The Man Who Scared a Shark to Death and Other True Tales of Drunken Debauchery" (also newly available at Barnes and Noble, Tower Books, and other fine retailers), we here at the SharkGuys.com have focused most of our postings on that most legal of intoxicants, booze.
But does that mean that we are against other substances that are capable of lifting one from this mundane world into a place that is much improved by chemicals, or that we would cast aspersions on those who enjoy the pleasures of say mescaline, or a bite at the ole gypsum weed (you can remember the effects of the latter using this handy mnemonic device courtesy of Wikipedia: "blind as a bat, mad as a hatter, red as a beet, hot as hell, dry as a bone, the bowel and bladder lose their tone, and the heart runs alone")? Of course not.
And what do you do after a night on the lager when you feel as if one more beer will leave you putting on a colorful display of emotion over the nearest gutter? Well, if you are in a place that has the right level of sleaze, you can simply wink to some likely individual and enjoy a line off the back of your house key in some dank alley. Spirits lifted, the night can go on.
Cocaine of course has had a significant impact on popular music. While booze is far more likely to result in sloppy work and an unsightly beer gut in middle age, coke leaves you wired enough to ensure that you will produce a whole lot of something, and thus ups the odds that you will actually produce something good.
Keith Richards may have fallen out of a tree in Fiji while out of his gourd on other than vitamin supplements, but he is what rock n' roll is all about: debauchery. And, while a sober Eric Clapton was quoted as saying, "I hate listening to my old records, which I did stoned or drunk,"he’s alone in that camp as most fans of his music hate listening to anything that he’s done straight.
Keith Richards entire career, Neil Young’s coked out performance at “The Last Waltz”, Stevie Nicks having built up such a tolerance to cocaine that she had to have it blown up her rectum to get a high (this never happened, apparently, but is nonetheless one of the more entertaining urban legends), cocaine use is an integral part of the rock-star lifestyle. It’s what young boys dream about: One day, if I practice enough and work on perfecting my skills as a singer-songwriter, I too will be able to snort cocaine off of the breasts of a vacant-eyed stripper whose name I’ll forget before I’m back on the tour bus and liquidating a savings account by mobile phone to settle debts with unsavory characters.
Here we have compiled a list of the Top 10 Cocaine Songs of all time -- songs about, influenced by, and more than likely written on clouds of Peruvian marching powder:
10) "Bales of Cocaine", by The Reverend Horton Heat: In this one, the good Reverend regales us with the modern day parable of a farmer out in his field pulling corn and carrots "when two low-flying aeroplanes, 'bout a hundred feet high/dropped a bunch o' bales o' somethin', some hit me in the eye". The farmer cuts the bales open and notices a mysterious powder inside. Being a rube, for whom presumably white lightnin' is still the biggest thrill in town, he has no idea what it is and brings it to his "Crazy Brother Joe": "He sniffed it up and kicked his heels, said, 'Horton, that's some blow!'" Our lucky farming friend then heads into Dallas, becomes a millionaire by selling his find, ditches his farm in Texas and buys another in Peru. Think of it like the Bill Paxton movie "A Simple Plan", only a whole lot happier and without Billy Bob Thornton in the role of a mouth-breather. We can safely assume that at some later point in this farmer's life the drug dealers whose fortune he stole would have tracked him down and introduced him to the latest in Columbian necktie attire, however, for taking a different angle on the cocaine song and for its appreciation of the entrepreneurial spirit, we salute the Reverend Horton Heat and include "Bales of Cocaine" on our Top 10 Cocaine Songs of All Time list:
Bales of cocaine, fallin' from low-flyin' plane I don't know who done dropped 'em, but I thank 'em just the same Bales of cocaine, fallin' like a foreign rain My life changed completely by the low-flyin' planes
9) "Lit up" by Buckcherry: This is a song that needs to wipe its nose before returning to the dinner table. With two founding members who met in a tattoo parlor and bonded over their mutual love of AC/DC, Buckcherry exemplifies the type of hard rockin' lifestyle that has enriched many a well-connected roadie. A song meant more for the mosh-pit than for lyrical analysis, this one is interesting though for the number of places in which the narrator gets "lit up". They include: a plane, his couch, his bed, on a train and backstage somewhere with a groupie knocking, "Crack the door for the curious girl cuz she's waitin' she's been waitin'..." And fulfilling the age-old maxim that all bands who look like this will eventually do something that reminds one of Spinal Tap, we get a replay of the classic, "It goes up to 11" bit of dialogue in the following bit of verse: "I'm in touch love, from this crutch/Well you're on ten but buddy I'm on eleven".
"I'm on a planeWith cocaineAnd yes I'm all lit up again"
8) "My Michelle" by Guns 'n' Roses:"I don't do cocaine anymore. Well, only occasionally," GNR guitarist Slash, 1992.Long before the band broke up and Axl Rose set about attempting to strangle whatever bit of fan support they had with the "Chinese Democracy" debacle, the Gunners were at the forefront of cocaine-fueled hard rock with Appetite For Destruction, and "My Michelle" was one of their best. The Michelle in the song actually existed. She knew the band and asked Axl to pen a tune for her. She did not get "Sweet Child Of Mine" treatment. This one tells a story of a hard-living woman whose "daddy works in porno/Now that mommy's not around/She used to love her heroin/but now she's in the ground." The song and the real-life story both have a happy ending, as, according to Slash's biography (which would no doubt require a snort of something illicit to get through), Michelle has since moved across the country and cleaned up her act.
"So you stay out late at nightAnd you do your coke for freeDrivin' your friends crazyWith your life's insanity"
7) "That Smell" by Lynyrd Skynyrd: Though better known for penning that motet Sweet Home Alabama, heard if a case of Amstel Light, a $150 Yamaha guitar, a group of white people, or a campfire are within a 100-yard radius, Skynyrd is also known for this thoroughly unpleasantly titled opus: 'What's that smell?' being one of the worst questions you can ever hear uttered, along with 'Is anyone here a vegetarian?' A well-worn refrain when it comes to the rock 'n' roll lifestyle, members of the band were killed by over-consumption, but in this case, it was of fuel, at least according to the National Transportation Safety Board, who determined this caused their plane to take a nosedive into a Mississippi forest. This song references an earlier and less-killing crash involving guitarist Gary Rossington, whiskey, coke and an oak tree that would just not get out of the way.
"Whiskey bottles, and brand new cars Oak tree you're in my way There's too much coke and too much smoke Look what's going on inside you
6) "Life in the Fast Lane", by The Eagles With an obstructed view concert ticket to one of their performances costing in the range of your average eight-ball, The Eagles certainly know a thing or two about life in the fast lane, a song inspired by a road trip Glenn Frey took with a dealer named 'The Count'. In 'Hotel California', (a song so ubiquitous you can be wandering the rugged mountains of northern Laos and hear a villager who's otherwise had no contact with modernity, humming a few bars) there were 'mirrors were on the ceiling', and in this song, their paean to hard-living, they served a dual purpose other than a means to admire your feather mullet and creepy mustache.
"They threw outrageous parties, they paid heavenly bills There were lines on the mirror, lines on her face"
Top 10 Actors Whose Crappy Movies are Guaranteed to be Shown on a Plane!
As a captive audience for PS I Love You, and not the kind of captive audience that could at least interrupt the proceedings by shanking the warden, it seems there are certain actors whose films are more likely to be shown on commercial flights than others.
Unlike a typical movie theater audience, for whom dozing off would be a common, though unintended outcome for many of these movies, in-flight screenings are to 300 plus worn out travelers, who'd rather be sleeping before the rolling of either the opening credits or the drinks cart. Like trains before them, the first commercial flights were long ago associated with all the glamor and prestige of a champagne and orange juice breakfast rather than today when they're more commonly linked to microwavable butter chicken/unidentifiable protein plastic tray repasts.
These days, unless you're in first class, where cherries dipped in Belgian chocolate are dangled into eager mouths, you're more likely to encounter nose-hair singeing B.O. re-circulated throughout the cabin, howling infants who due to FAA restrictions unfortunately cannot be stowed in overhead compartments and limits on how many rum & Cokes can be downed before a stern reprimand and a dip into that duty free gin that sits in your carry on.
The in-flight movie is meant to be a two-hour diversion from such unpleasantness, not to mention the strain of patella bones jammed into eye sockets with the impromptu reclining of the seat in front, whose occupant then goes on to remove their socks, an apt sensory accompaniment to the on-screen 'entertainment'.
The problem is, these bottom-feeding MOR vehicles don't dare offend anyone, so what the weary traveler is left with, are some of the films listed here. In PS I Love You, shown on a recent Amsterdam to Toronto flight and mercifully, not the reverse as well, or else the integrity of the cabin door would've been tested for a quick exit into space, either Jennifer Garner or Hilary Swank portray a woman haunted by posthumous letters left by her husband. [Editor's note: it's very likely Swank and Garner are the same person, though confirmatory calls to her/their agent have gone unreturned]
These dispatches, carefully prepared by the hubbie while he knew he'd be dispatched to that great, big, airplane hangar in the sky, were designed ostensibly to help her 'get on with her life'. This, despite what is obvious to everyone else on screen, the cockpit crew, your seat-mate who is drooling like a bull mastiff and anyone who's stowed luggage under their seats--- that it is in fact doing the exact opposite, and is undeniably creepy.
Here is a list of the top actors in Hollywood who are most likely to make you wish you'd remembered to pack a sleep mask, or decided against that Tampa time-share.
Perennial 30-something slacker, Matthew McConaughey has a film resume peppered with in-flight staples (Fool's Gold, Failure to Launch, How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, Sahara), films so lengthy and wretched, you'd wish Air France would re-commission the Concorde to make that transatlantic trip in 3 hours, long enough to ensure that once meals are served, complimentary peanuts doled out, and supersonic gas fumes inhaled, there wouldn't be time left to take in any of his rotten oeuvre.
Sandra Bullock. On a trip to Milan, Italy several years back, I was initiated into a select fraternity: not the Freemasons, which would've meant bypassing the lineups in the country's finest museums and voting in their election, but along with several hundred or so of my fellow passengers, we were forced to sit through Miss Congeniality, not once, but twice. In this ostensible comedy, which guffaw for guffaw, easily matched that of the Asian tsunami disaster, Bullock plays an FBI agent who, to thwart a bombing, must go undercover in a beauty pageant despite b
The presence of a bunch of clipboard wielding scientists blocking access to the bar, is apparently not enough to dissuade people from drinking, according to a new study in which it was determined after much scrutiny of the data (and noting that the sky above is a shade of blue) that people tend to drink more where the music is louder.
