25 Horrible Bands Named after Places: Music from Hell and Elsewhere

Much like hypertension or obesity are predictors for cardiovascular disease, geography is a measure for determining whether a band's music will make you want to cover your ears.

Before you start penning a terse letter to your city councilor, we're not referring specifically to where a band might be from, but one whose name is geographic in origin.

Now, there is no question, there are a handful of talented place-derived bands in genres other than rock/pop. These include punk bands UK Subs, New York Dolls and MC5, soul bands like the Sugarhill Gang and the Ohio Players, not to mention traditional acts like the Blind Boys of Alabama or the Clinch Mountain Boys. However, with few exceptions, the vast majority of rock/pop bands at least, whose names reference a particular place are overwhelmingly and unspeakably awful.

There are several reasons for this. First, if you're feeling less than creative when coming up with a band name, say, Julius & the Epileptic Caesars is already taken, the first thing that may spring to mind after a failed bid by the drummer to name the band after himself (The Tommy Hitzenberger Three), is a particular land mass or continent---especially if you were excited about tectonic plates in high school geography class.


Second, some bands are filled with a great sense of civic pride. The Doors, for example, whose version of Alabama Song received kudos in our Top 10 'Bar' Songs of All Time would famously be introduced: 'From Los Angeles, California, the Doors'. If an announcer isn't available, or for some reason your band doesn't believe in loosening up a potentially hostile crowd with whimsical banter, naming yourselves after a particular city works as this removes any doubt as to where you're from for future 'why don't you go back to __________ ?' heckling.

And thirdly, there are several bands, who for whatever reason, likely because they're fond of anything and everything ironic [see the book/site, Stuff White People Like: The Definitive Guide to the Unique Taste of Millions and for Sharkguy Chris's review of said book in this past weekend's Globe and Mail click here] go out of their way to name themselves after somewhere they're NOT from. Perhaps you'll find them on our next list, that is, if they have enough staying power and a big enough fan base to extend beyond Brooklyn or Chapel Hill.

Here, alphabetically then, is an in no way definitive list, (as awful acts sporting geographic monikers are sprouting up literally everywhere as we write this), of 25 of the most notable, and quite horrendous bands with geographic names.

1. Alabama: Not coincidentally, as far as your ears are concerned, this band hails from Fort Payne and brought us Christian Rock-like crossover hits like Dixieland Delight, proving that a taste for piss-poor country translates to a lousy taste in MOR pop.

2. All Saints: after All Saints Road, London. Pure Brit blasphemy

3. America: Their songs have elevated people, but unfortunately only in the context of entering, and pressing your floor. America's big hit 'Horse with No Name' is often mis-attributed to Neil Young--a guy who'd never pen anything like this. I mean, what good is a horse going to do in the desert? That's what camels are for.

4. Asia: A wretched prog-rock outfit whose keyboards were so large they'd likely need to be hauled off by Hercules jets.

5. Backstreet Boys, after Back Street Market, a shopping area in Orlando, Florida. If you name your band after a shopping area, what more can be said, other than your tunes will provide musical accompaniment to mall teen loitering. As far as their Youtube videos are concerned, embedding has been disabled by request, and not by us either. A big thank you to whoever that was.

6. Bay City Rollers: According to legend, the Scottish 'Rollers' threw a dart at a map of the continental US and landed upon Bay City, Michigan. At least they really did put Bay City on the map.

7. Boston : Thankfully, a band that only puts out an album every decade. Right now, a radio station somewhere, is spinning More Than a Feeling and there's not a damn thing we can do about it, though we've mulled over every legal option.

8. Bush, after Shepherd's Bush, a district of London. The best thing this moribund outfit did, was attach itself by marriage to a successful one, Gwen Stafani/No Doubt

9. Chicago, after the city of Chicago (originally Chicago Transit Authority). Touted for their musicianship, horn section, as well as their consummate blandness, Chicago is one of the longest running and most successful U.S. pop/rock and roll groups of all time, something more difficult to grasp conceptually, than String Theory.

10. Chilliwack, after the town of Chilliwack in British Columbia, Canada. Their song 'My Girl', is not even among the top ten best songs called 'My Girl'. They've been 'gone gone gone so long' and hopefully there aren't any signs of an imminent return.

11. Danzig is the German name for the Polish city of Gdańsk, though the band got its name by way of Glenn Danzig. Either way, drift your eyes left, and you'll get a pretty good indication of what you're dealing with.

12. Europe was a living, breathing and sucking embodiment of the phrase 'all sizzle, no steak', and the sizzle in question here was hardly enough to start even a modest grease fire, however striking a match anywhere near any of the band members' noggins might have.

13. Hedley, after the town of Hedley, British Columbia, Canada. Hedley is one of the countless acts featuring songs under 3 minutes, lots of screaming, Major Key power chords, a bunch of skinny guys, spiky hair, tattoos, wallets on chains, and other signifiers of North American suburbia.

14. Kansas: Kansas is known for two epics, Carry on My Wayward Son and Dust in the Wind, that are no doubt being cranked to oblivion in an El Camino right now, somewhere between northern Maine and southern California, with air guitar accompaniment.

15. Linkin Park, after a park (now known as Christine Reed Park) in Santa Monica, California (spelling was changed from Lincoln to Linkin because the domain name lincolnpark.com was unavailable). One of the many 90s bands who merged hip hop and metal, a musical marriage more doomed than the nuptials of Liza Minnelli and that overtly gay guy whose name escapes us.

16. London Beat. When we listen to this, we can't help but think they deserve a good beat-ing. Actually, this could be its own category, as just about every band with London in its title is awful. Due to space restrictions, they're not listed here.

17. The Manhattan Transfer, after John Dos Passos's novel Manhattan Transfer, which is in turn named after the Manhattan Transfer train station in New York City, and this is all you need to know about them, trust us. Disclaimer: some really really bad dancing here

18. Marcy Playground, after the playground of Marcy Open School in Minneapolis. The band achieved success ten years ago with Sex & Candy, middling 90s Nirvana-lite, sans shotgun blast.

19. Mannheim Steamroller, Mannheim Germany. We almost hate to do this to you good people, who were kind enough to stop by and enjoy our list, but here it is. The Steamroller doing a rock instrumental version of 'Joy to the World'. One of us has been to Mannheim, a lovely city, and it pains us to see the musical atrocities committed in its name.

20. Miami Sound Machine. This band helped launch Gloria Estefan, but not in a good way, like out the window of a sufficiently tall building.

21. Nazareth, after the city of Nazareth. Famous for a vocalist, who, like Axl Rose of Guns 'n' Roses sounds like Edith from All in the Family, they were known for this ballad, which is uglier than twinned cow arses, Love Hurts. Listening to this, it's clear something hurts, though it isn't love. They're also known for choice lyrics:
Love is like a flame, It burns you when its hot

The above prompts the question, when is a flame not hot? Is there some aspect of fire we're missing here?

22. O-Town, after a common nickname for Orlando, Florida. Not to be confused with, the Big-O, an experience quite opposite to what you'd feel after having to endure any of this craptacular act's hits.

23. Rascal Flatts, after a geological formation in Oklahoma. Rascal Flatts is an embodiment of what country music, unfortunately, has become: your nouveau riche uncle who's moved out to the burbs and bought a speedboat that he likes to show off and needs musical accompaniment. Rascal Flatts are about as far removed from real country, as The Olive Garden is from a trattoria in Palermo.

24. Styx. Nitpickers might point out that this is a mythological place, but this doesn't take away from the fact that if there is a Day of Reckoning, these guys will have a lot to answer for, musically speaking. [see below]

25. The Village People, Greenwich Village, NYC. One good thing that can be said about them, is that unlike everyone else on this list, they never took themselves too seriously.

Churchies Ruin Pub: 'Barstool Prophets' Send 'Em Running

“I must point out that my rule of life prescribed as an absolutely sacred rite smoking cigars and also the drinking of alcohol before, after, and if need be during all meals and in the intervals between them."

Winston Churchill during a lunch with the Arab leader Ibn Saud, when he heard that the king's religion forbade smoking and drinking.

Back in April, we brought you the story of an Ohio preacher who noticed that attendance was flagging at his church and wanted to bring the good word to the people in the place they would be most ready, or at least well-lubricated enough, to receive it: the local pub. That preacher booked a pub for a few hours a week and held a service on Sunday evenings.

Presumably there was a sign outside the bar: Thursday: All-you-can-eat shellfish, Friday: Hits-of-World-War-II-themed karaoke. Saturday: Disgraced teen-star look-alike contest Sunday: Vespers with the Electric Padre. Barflies knew what was going on at the pub on Sundays and could choose whether or not they wanted to participate, thus those who weren't interested would be spared that most dreaded of all pub conversations -- the one that begins "A certain somebody died for your sins. I'll give you three guesses."

There is that approach, the odd but restrained kind, and then there's what a couple of Charlie Churches in the UK did to nearly sink a pub that had been going strong for over 30 years. The couple took over the bar promising that they would make it a place where a couple of women could "come into the pub, buy a bottle of wine and feel comfortable drinking it."

By that they meant, "a place where Ned and Maude Flanders could walk into a bar, school the assembled on the immorality of drink, and their sons Rod and Todd could enjoy a round of a biblical boardgame." Stopping short of declaring prohibition, the couple banned horse racing, took down the dart board, and initiated a policy whereby anybody caught swearing faced a lifetime ban. And if that weren't enough, they ruined that most British of traditions, pub quiz night, by gearing the questions to biblical matters, ex. "Who had the most wives in the bible?" A) The Fresh Prince of Bel Air, B) King Solomon, C) Rashomon, D) 'D' is for the devil, who you will meet in hell soon enough you ignorant heathen.

If you've ever had the misfortune of finding yourself taken unawares by a proselytizing effort, you'll sympathize with the plight of these poor pubgoers who were seeing their local turn into the homebase for Brother Love's Traveling Salvation Show.

A smattering of their responses from the ABC report:

A 61-year-old regular at the pub: "Any swearing and you were barred. It was well over the top."

His more succint wife: "You can't run a pub and not swear. If they are Christians, they should run a church, not a bloody pub."

Another regular: "They should have built pews in here rather than chairs. I have no problem with their religion but ... a pub is a pub."

An elderly gentleman whose arse impression was worn into one of the stools: "Those two were almost the ruin of this place. They told everyone who swore once they would be banned. They barred people who had been coming here for 30-odd years."

While religion and drink have gone together ever since someone first figured out how to hide a whiskey flask in a hollowed-out bible, this particular mixing of the suds with the sacred threatened to bankrupt the bar. The pub's owners gave the couple their walking papers and hired a new manager. After being fired, the man and wife, apparently insane, barricaded themselves in the apartment above the bar with three of their six children.

It's all the same to the pubgoers though, as the new manager has returned the dart board to its former glory and put up a sign, "Swearing Now Allowed."

Literary Agents: Get Reputable Author Representation and Avoid Getting Scammed

Instead of the drunken shenanigans we usually chronicle, we thought we'd offer up a change of pace this morning. Since our book, The Man Who Scared a Shark to Death and Other True Tales of Drunken Debauchery came out, we've dealt with various people asking us about the process of landing an agent. Hence, we thought we'd offer a few insights and share them here.

Finding the right literary agent can be a challenge. Here are several online and print resources to make the hunt less daunting.

Googling 'New York' and 'literary agent', surprisingly, is a good first step because within the Big Apple’s city limits beats the heart of book publishing.

However, even though the majority ply their trade in the Five Boroughs there are good ones everywhere. More important than geography, is that a prospective agent is part of a professional body.

The Association of Authors' Representatives

The Association of Authors' Representatives (AAR) not only insists its members abide by a canon of professional ethics (for example, not charging fees as agents earn a living from a percentage of an author's advance and royalties), but has a strict admittance criterion based on how often agents are able to sell author works to publishers within a given period of time. An author would not be well served by an agent who last sold rights to a book years ago.

AAR and similar groups also have comprehensive listings of agent members, who often have websites where a writer can submit their queries online, great in this electronic age so that one doesn’t have to agonize over self-addressed stamped envelopes and being at the whim of the postal service.

These agent sites detail what material they’re specifically looking for. The business is fiercely competitive, with some agents getting hundreds (!) of queries a month. If a writer specializes in historical non-fiction, they should only query agents open to that, rather than thinking their stuff is so brilliant that it would even entice someone who deals in crime.

If an agent website is found through Google, make sure the agency is a member of AAR or its equivalent across the pond, the Association of Authors' Agents (UK). Unfortunately, there is no comparable Canadian agent oversight body that we know of, perhaps due to the industry’s relatively small size.

If an agent is NOT a member of one of the aforementioned associations, it's due to the following:

1. They charge fees, or are engaged in other unscrupulous and unethical behavior

2. They are too new to have accumulated sufficient rights sales to be considered for accreditation.

3. They are mavericks or ‘lone wolves’ who often declare that they don't need to be part of any association.

Of these, only Number 2 should be worthy of a prospective writer’s attention. It's not uncommon for an agent to work in a big, successful house, and feel the need to branch out and start up their own agency, and have yet to amass any rights sales. Check for credentials and background. At MINIMUM, they should at least adhere to the codes and conduct set out by the AAR and should ideally be in the process of seeking admittance to it. Check out recent rights sales. If none are listed, that should be a red flag.

The Guide to Literary Agents

In addition to online agent sources, the annually updated book The Guide to Literary Agents, is a useful source, however the contact info is occasionally out of date by the time it’s been printed.

Writer Beware

The Science Fiction and Fantasy Writers of America (SFWA) operates a site called ‘Writer Beware’, (previously the slyly named, ‘Preditors & Editors). This is a great resource which lists complaints that have been raised about agent conduct. There are no guarantees and on occasion, complaints will even be levied against those who hold AAR membership. As the title implies, there are lots of shady people out there, looking to get 'reading fees' or miscellaneous ‘upfront or administrative fees’ out of often desperate writers. Some lawyers even fancy themselves book agents, as they know how to read and decipher contracts, but do not engage in proper conduct befitting a literary agent.

Be careful, and best of luck.

Top 10 Actors Whose Crappy Movies are Guaranteed to be Shown on a Plane!

As a captive audience for PS I Love You, and not the kind of captive audience that could at least interrupt the proceedings by shanking the warden, it seems there are certain actors whose films are more likely to be shown on commercial flights than others.

Unlike a typical movie theater audience, for whom dozing off would be a common, though unintended outcome for many of these movies, in-flight screenings are to 300 plus worn out travelers, who'd rather be sleeping before the rolling of either the opening credits or the drinks cart.

Like trains before them, the first commercial flights were long ago associated with all the glamor and prestige of a champagne and orange juice breakfast rather than today when they're more commonly linked to microwavable butter chicken/unidentifiable protein plastic tray repasts.

These days, unless you're in first class, where cherries dipped in Belgian chocolate are dangled into eager mouths, you're more likely to encounter nose-hair singeing B.O. re-circulated throughout the cabin, howling infants who due to FAA restrictions unfortunately cannot be stowed in overhead compartments and limits on how many rum & Cokes can be downed before a stern reprimand and a dip into that duty free gin that sits in your carry on.

The in-flight movie is meant to be a two-hour diversion from such unpleasantness, not to mention the strain of patella bones jammed into eye sockets with the impromptu reclining of the seat in front, whose occupant then goes on to remove their socks, an apt sensory accompaniment to the on-screen 'entertainment'.

The problem is, these bottom-feeding MOR vehicles don't dare offend anyone, so what the weary traveler is left with, are some of the films listed here.

In PS I Love You, shown on a recent Amsterdam to Toronto flight and mercifully, not the reverse as well, or else the integrity of the cabin door would've been tested for a quick exit into space, either Jennifer Garner or Hilary Swank portray a woman haunted by posthumous letters left by her husband.
[Editor's note: it's very likely Swank and Garner are the same person, though confirmatory calls to her/their agent have gone unreturned]

These dispatches, carefully prepared by the hubbie while he knew he'd be dispatched to that great, big, airplane hangar in the sky, were designed ostensibly to help her 'get on with her life'. This, despite what is obvious to everyone else on screen, the cockpit crew, your seat-mate who is drooling like a bull mastiff and anyone who's stowed luggage under their seats--- that it is in fact doing the exact opposite, and is undeniably creepy.

Here is a list of the top actors in Hollywood who are most likely to make you wish you'd remembered to pack a sleep mask, or decided against that Tampa time-share.

Perennial 30-something slacker, Matthew McConaughey has a film resume peppered with in-flight staples (Fool's Gold, Failure to Launch, How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, Sahara), films so lengthy and wretched, you'd wish Air France would re-commission the Concorde to make that transatlantic trip in 3 hours, long enough to ensure that once meals are served, complimentary peanuts doled out, and supersonic gas fumes inhaled, there wouldn't be time left to take in any of his rotten oeuvre.




Sandra Bullock. On a trip to Milan, Italy several years back, I was initiated into a select fraternity: not the Freemasons, which would've meant bypassing the lineups in the country's finest museums and voting in their election, but along with several hundred or so of my fellow passengers, we were forced to sit through Miss Congeniality, not once, but twice. In this ostensible comedy, which guffaw for guffaw, easily matched that of the Asian tsunami disaster, Bullock plays an FBI agent who, to thwart a bombing, must go undercover in a beauty pageant despite being old enough to have given birth to all the contestants. Her latest work, 'All About Steve' is currently in post-production, and judging by the title alone, you'll be treated to it on that trip to Heathrow or Charles de Gaulle sometime next year.

Kirsten Dunst. Though still quite young, the fanged blonde has a lengthy career in commercial aviation-related entertainment ahead of her, having shown great potential in Bring it On, Drop Dead Gorgeous, and of course, Spider Man I and II.

Owen Wilson earned his wings in several charter-ready flicks, including the extraordinarily unwatchable Drillbit Taylor, The Darjeeling Limited, You, Me and Dupree, Starsky & Hutch, Night at the Museum.



Ryan Reynolds has a crappy in-flight movie resume longer than the runway for the new Airbus A380, with Definitely Maybe, The In-Laws, Chaos Theory and Just Friends. Apropos of nothing, he was once engaged to the ironically talented Alanis (Why the long face?) Morissette.


Kate Hudson. Since giving a decent accounting of herself in the Cameron Crowe period piece Almost Famous, the offspring of Goldie Hawn and somebody almost famous named Hudson, has rung up a string of flicks that have been shown while cruising at 30,000 feet. These include How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, Alex & Emma, Le Divorce, Raising Helen, You, Me and Dupree and Fool's Gold. Her place in this list will be solidified well into 2010 with the filming of Bride Wars and My Best Friend's Girl (currently in post production), flicks that passengers will comfortably doze through shortly, barring any kind of heavy turbulence or hijacking threats.


Dermot Mulroney. With Griffin & Phoenix, The Family Stone, Must Love Dogs and the Wedding Date under his belt, Mulroney is a shoe-in for the world of fixed wing propulsive thrust cinema.






Robin Williams. Unlike leg-warmers and hairspray, the hirsute Williams' coke-fueled 'humor' has not seen a resurgence in popularity from the 80s. The guy responsible for not only writing the book on family-friendly, barely serviceable comedy, but penning the foreword and editing it as well, RW has added to the dreariness of modern flight with RV, Man of the Year, Night at the Museum, License to Wed, Patch Adams, Goodwill Hunting, Mrs Doubtfire, Toys, Hook, Awakenings, and Dead Poets Society.



Julia Roberts Roberts is the queen of feel-good fare that should have an FAA restriction on it, Notting Hill, My Best Friend's Wedding, Runaway Bride, America's Sweethearts, Full Frontal (in which she isn't) Closer, and Mona Lisa Smile, though it's more of a smirk.

Hugh Grant. The undisputed king, the Sovereign of the Skies and the only member of this list, whose each and every film could upset stomachs between in-flight meals.

Stop the presses! Lily Allen gets too drunk at some awards gala

For those of you mercifully unfamiliar with the business of journalism (those whose chosen career path is one in which the salary exceeds that of your average busboy and does not involve having to indulge in the odd repast usually enjoyed by the family cat), there are five 'W's related to the profession.

These are the infamous who, what, where, when and why questions they focus on ('who cares?' being the equivalent to the 'and sometimes Y' for vowels. The 'why even bother getting into the profession anyway?' is something we'll get into at another time). The concept of the five Ws, along with renting a film adaptation of a George Orwell novel, forms the fundamental basis of journalism.

Now that we've saved you thousands of dollars that might've been spent on journalism school tuition rather than say, a nice vacation to the Amalfi Coast, and possibly an orange visor and a comfortable pair of walking shoes, we can concentrate on the 'who', which is exactly the question we posed to one another when a certain Lily Allen crept into the news.

Lily Allen, despite sounding like a pharmaceutical subsidiary that spits out erectile dysfunction tablets, is apparently a pop-singer (who). Ms Allen got drunk recently at an awards show in England (what, when and where). With four of the five Ws covered, the 'why' that's left is self-explanatory, as having to sit through anything dubbed 'The Glamour Awards' beyond catching the odd glimpse of a boob, seems to be a recipe for catching up on those summer novels and at the very least, sneaking a quart of rum into an oversized handbag.

Apparently, at said gala, a bouncer had to carry away the pop star whose ability to carry a tune didn't translate into being able to hold her liquor.

Speaking of her songs, between the two of us, even after snapping our fingers and getting the hotel lobby pianist to tickle a jaunty 'C' on the ivories, we couldn't come up with the names of any of them. We had an even vaguer notion of what she looked like---as it turns out, the girl at the mall who scoops your butter pecan.

So, in a nod to the business of 'celebrity journalism' (that subset of the profession that deals with 'who cares?' types of questions), we, um, salute the pop-star and turn to matters of greater import later this week--the business of Trappist Belgian beer---once the jet-lag subsides.

[Sleep-deprived Editor's note: Lily Allen, is apparently dating Dustin Hoffman's son and according to reports, they met at a VIP (actually, the source newspaper's description as both the 'V' and the 'I' seem to be lacking here) bash. "He thought she was a lovely, cute girl, but didn't have a clue who she was."]

Champions League Beer Shortage: Brits Drink Moscow Dry

A common complaint leveled against soccer is that it's boring. Meanwhile, nobody bothers issuing the same critique about baseball, where the guys hawking Amstel get more of a workout running up and down the aisles plying semi-conscious onlookers with cheap suds than the various mesomorphs manning the field and where the play -- which is about as frenetic as a Van Gogh still life -- is interrupted so that a pitcher can practice.

No other sport we're aware of, save for highly competitive mobster bocce ball, allows the flow of action to grind to a halt so that one of the participants can get in a proper warm up while eyelids flutter. Basketball players don't stand around while play stops as a guy who previously temperature-controlled the bench with his arse hoists a few shots at the hoop and soccer players don't lounge about so a substitute, who's just finished wowing middle-aged housewives with sideline calisthenics, can come onto the pitch and take a few practice kicks.

[Editor's note: baseball is also one of the few sports where the manager, even though he's older than fossil fuel, suits up like the players as if a septuagenarian is going to be called in to pinch hit. It's also one of the few outdoor sports in which play is suspended for an amount of rainfall that would not put a halt to the average wedding]

One thing for certain is that for soccer or baseball, whether it's the heaps of abuse screamed at the mascot, impromptu cheap seat 'bat day' beatings, or flares resembling a Hezbollah missile attack fired off in the stands, the real action is either in the crowd, or in the case of British football, the 18 hours prior to kick-off when the heavy drinking commences.

Dutch fans have been known to whiz on automobiles with German plates, fans of some Italian squads to do fascist salutes, Argentinian fans to knife one another pre-match, however these supporters show Salvation Army-like gentility compared with their British counterparts.

That being said, British fans gave a better than usual accounting of themselves recently, when according to the Daily Star, the 80,000 yobs who descended on Moscow for the Champions league final between Man U and Chelsea, didn't kill or maim anyone, but instead, completely depleted the local beer supply.

A United fan noted, “We were all on good form and the drinks were flowing in this little place we had found near the Kremlin. “But suddenly the barmaid threw up her hands and said: ‘No more!’

Fans complained bitterly as the lager ran out and they were told, 'no beer, just vodka'.

For more on beer shortages of a more serious, global nature, click here.

UK Study Says One in Three Hungover at Work (Other Two Still Drunk)

Before the manufacturing base took a hit, it was not uncommon for Johnny Lunchbox to take a hit of his own from time to time from a flask kept in a flannel pocket to help alleviate the drudgery of the assembly line. After some people stumbled into deep vats and others were left with one less limb with which to raise a pint, drinking on the job became seen as dangerous, and people were encouraged to save their heavy drinking for evening television viewing with the wife and kids.

Now, with the greatest danger in most workplaces being the guy whose score you just topped in “Scrabulous” giving you a sock in the jaw, people are once again seeing the benefits of a morning eye-opener followed up with a liquid lunch.

According to a study by Norwich (kinda rhymes with porridge and that’s not the sort of thing it’s advisable to eat while hungover -- See our Hangover Tips) Union Healthcare in the UK, one in three employees has been to work with a hangover, while more than one in 10 reported being drunk at their desks, according to a recently released poll. These numbers increase significantly when you take into account the fact that everybody lies to people conducting surveys like this.

"It seems that alcohol and the workplace often do go hand in hand", said one researcher, noting a pairing that is as natural as, say, a glass of whiskey and a mint Nat Sherman, which can be tucked under the increasing-at-the-rate-of-a-landfill to-do pile (see picture).

The study also found that 25 percent of people did the minimum amount of work and went home as soon as possible. The remaining 75 percent are presumably indentured servants, or insane.

Holy Christ in the Cornflakes! The Top 10 Oddball Jesus Sightings

Unless you’re mixing your booze with a cupful of the communal Kool-Aid at a Ken Kesey-themed 60s night, it’s unlikely that getting drunk – even on absinthe as a recent study revealed – will lead to hallucinations. (Editor’s note: Spinning rooms don’t count in this regard, and neither does vision compromised because you just broke your glasses head-butting a vending machine). Only a drinker approaching last call (and not the one they ring the bell at the bar for) is likely to experience hallucinations, and thus most drinkers are denied the more mystical side of chemical enhancement that their hallucinogenic-eating peers enjoy.

This past weekend, however, one pub drinker had a religious experience of sorts while out on the piss. The Daily Mail reported on how a taxi driver from Darlington ordered a bottle of cider and “got goose pimples” when the waitress opened it and staring back at him from the foil on the neck was the face of Christ himself. "I have no doubt it is the face of Jesus. You can even see his beard and hair," said the man of what is a decidedly more bug-eyed image of JC than the usual one.

The man gathered around his drinking companions to share in this miracle and snapped a photo of the bottle before it was taken away. (None of the other bottles that night bore the face of Jesus, though unconfirmed rumors have it that a glaring John The Baptist was seen in the settling foam of a pint of Old Speckled Hen.)

The drinker didn’t realize how crisp the likeness was until he checked the photos the next day and it was too late to retrieve it. "I'm not sure what message Jesus was sending and maybe now we'll never know,” the man said. The message may have been “Put me up on Ebay and we’ll have many good nights on the cider together son,”; as the Mail mentions, a similar find, the face of the Virgin Mary on a grilled cheese sandwich, sold for $28,000 just four years ago (Click here for “Virgin Mary (again)”, an up-to-date chronicle of sightings).

His appearance at the British pub was only the latest stop on an unorthodox tour; the Nazarene has popped in for a visit via some unlikely, and occasionally delicious, places over the past few decades. Here then is The Shark Guys’ rundown of the Top 10 Oddball Jesus Sightings of All Time!

10) Fish-stick Jesus: This is the sole Canadian find on the list and appropriately enough was made when a guy was cooking up that quintessential Canadian repast: fish-sticks. Kingston's Fred Wan had left the fish-sticks cooking for too long, a common mistake among fish-stick eaters who are not exactly your gourmet-at-home types when it comes to paying careful attention to following food preparation instructions. The fish-sticks were burnt, but while Fred examined his dinner, he noticed something that he thought could fund many more boxes of ole' Captain Highliner's best: the image of Christ was to be found on the burnt fish-stick. Gordon kept the holy fish-stick in his freezer for some three years (that's usually about mid-shelf life for your average box of fish-sticks) before putting it up on Ebay. Alas, the website denied his posting.

9) The Messiah of the Molars: When Jesus is not making appearances in people's food, he can often be found showing up in their X-rays (click here for that), MRIs (here), ultrasounds (here and here) etc. These visions are usually seen after exams related to something important, like the birth of a child (ecclesiastical sources are split on whether having Jesus's face in the ultrasound means that you are about to give birth to a new prophet or the Antichrist. "50/50", they say). Jesus does not usually meddle in matters of good oral hygiene, but this one was an exception. A Phoenix, Arizona dentist was stunned when he developed his patient's X-ray and found Christ up there above the pearly whites. The man said he was a devout Christian, but that this was the first time his redeemer showed up on his dental x-rays. The reason for the visitation will remain a mystery for the ages as the man's dental checkup revealed no problems.

8) The Pancake Prophet: Not to be outdone by the Virgin Mary grilled-cheese sandwich when it comes to appearances in artery-clogging breakfast food, the face of Jesus was said to have appeared to an Ohio man on his morning pancakes. Ohioan Mike Thompson and his wife were sitting down to breakfast when, he said, he spotted the holy visage and took it to be a "message from above". That message was not surprisingly to take care when setting the minimum bid on E-bay -- start too high and they'll think you a fraud, too low and they'll doubt the veracity of the miracle. Bidding started at $500 and went up to an incredible $15,000 before the listing was pulled due to a "listing infraction."

A report by the website MrBreakfast.Com, entitled "Breakfast with Jesus" (not to be confused with the Andy Kaufman cult film "My Breakfast With Blassie") later determined that the pancake was, horror of all horrors, not the genuine article. An E-Bay commenter had jokingly wondered, "Maybe he has a Jesus fry pan that has an image embedded in the metal so everything cooked will have Jesus on it." The commenter was probably joking, but the pancake guy actually did have a pan that did just that. Jesus Pan.Com, maker of the pan used to create the holy pancakes, offers, for the low low price of two for $29.95 the opportunity to boost your bank account by selling your breakfast on E-bay. Their slogan: "Worship at every meal with Jesus Pan."

7) Pizza Hut Pasta Jesus: In 1991, Stone Mountain, Georgia resident Joyce Simpson had a dilemma; she was, apparently, a good singer, and had to decide if she still wanted to keep on belting it out in the choir for free, or if it was time to move on to more lucrative paid professional work. Driving along she gazed upon a Pizza Hut advertisement for the chain's new spaghetti lunch that it was promoting at the time and in it she found her answer: the face of Jesus was clearly visible to her in the pasta.

Skepdic defines Pareidolia as “a type of illusion or misperception involving a vague or obscure stimulus being perceived as something clear and distinct. For example, in the discolorations of a burnt tortilla one sees the face of Jesus Christ. Or one sees the image of Mother Teresa or Ronald Reagan in a cinnamon bun or a man in the moon.)." It might also explain why Joyce saw Jesus, while other passersby saw different holy men, like Willie Nelson and John Lennon.

6) Shower Jesus: This one, which could also be dubbed the "Calling Bob Vila Jesus", was spotted by Pittsburgh resident Jeffrey Rigo on June 11, 2005. Stepping out of the shower that day Rigo saw both the need for costly home repairs and the means to pay for them in one water-stained piece of plaster. Rigo was quoted in the reporting newspaper as saying "I got out of the shower and yelled, 'Jesus Christ!' My girlfriend asked me, 'Oh, my God, what is it?' I pointed and responded, 'No, Jesus Christ!'" Rigo cut out the piece of plaster with the image on it and put it up on E-bay with the description "a section of plaster wall bearing the apparent face of the Son of God." It sold for $1,999.99.

5) The Jesus Pierogi: Miracles, it seems, adjust with the times. Gone are the days of the fish and loaves; it seems that now Jesus is focused on the kind of foods that will cause your insurance premiums to go up if you circle them under the heading "Do you eat any of the following on a regular basis?". In November 2005, he made an unexpected Easter appearance on a pierogi, the tasty Polish dumpling typically boiled and then thrown into a pan with some butter to ensure that your heart is given a proper run for its money. The woman doing the cooking was sure that she saw her saviour seared into the side of the pierogi and presumably wanted to share the revelation with others: the family put it up on Ebay and netted $1,775.

4) Tailgate Jesus: In November, 2005 a Laredo Texas man's pickup truck became a site of holy pilgrimage where the faithful would go to light candles, take pictures and pray. Julio Radillo found the image of Christ (or Kurt Cobain depending on how your synapses are firing when you look at it) in the dirt on the truck's tailgate. The man was a believer and said that the appearance of the deity on his truck was a reminder for people to strengthen their faith. It may also been a reminder to Radillo that a run through the car wash every few months or so wouldn't be the end of the world..

3) The Jesus Couch (links to MySpace page of man claiming to be co-discoverer): Sometimes Jesus just needs to kick back and relax and what better time to do so than on his own birthday. On Christmas Day, Jesus appeared in a city where his name is most commonly invoked over a pair of just-kissed dice, Las Vegas. The holy visage turned up this time on a red-suede couch. The MySpace blog of one of the man who claims to have discovered the oversized relic reads:

"I am in no way religious or even moral nor do I pretend to be, yet I am telling you it was there on his couch and everyone who sees it in person can see it. I'm not saying it is some kind of miracle, or sign, or that my ass is shaped like Jesus... Sure it's no doubt pattern recognition and the power of suggestion and a whole slew of other psychological nonsense but one thing remains- the power of the jesus couch cannot be denied."

The website that the Myspace poster set up for the faithful, JesusCouch.com, sadly is no longer online and, although we're not positive, it seems unlikely that the Jesus Couch ever sold on Ebay given the high asking price of the co-owner, who wrote on his blog "Hell if a grilled cheese sandwhich can sell for 25 grand and potato chips with the face of Abraham Lincoln get thousands than we should be able to sell this couch for trillions of dollars."

-

2) The Nazarene Gets His Own Nebula: In April 2004, the Hubble Science Institute released some dazzling snaps taken from its extremely high-resolution camera. The photos were of the Cone Nebula and when some believers saw the photos a nationwide call of "Oh my God, it's full of stars! And Jesus!" was sounded. The Cone Nebula, according to Wikipedia is located in Monoceros, "a region that contains cones, pillars, and majestic flowing shapes that abound in stellar nurseries where natal clouds of gas and dust are buffeted by energetic winds from nurseries of newborn stars." But, as the folks over at Skyimagelab.com put it, while NASA scientists may see stellar nurseries etc, "others are inspired by the wonders of the God's creations and see something different. Look at this image from a distance, can you see the image of Our Lord, Jesus Christ, crowned by a sparkling ring of thorns as stars? Thus it was said..." and then it gets into some bible verse before getting to the purpose of the website, which is to sell prints, framed and otherwise, of the "Jesus Nebula".

1) The Shrine of the Holy Tortilla: The arrival of the holy tortilla was a watershed moment for holy found faces in food. Prior to the discovery of this relic, much food had been fried up and scarfed down and people thought things like “Hey, that was a delicious burger,” and not “Why didn’t I check that patty for the likeness of the blessed savior?!” People started looking a little harder at dinner following the arrival of the Holy Tortilla.

In 1977, Maria Rubio, a housewife in Lake Arthur, New Mexico, was rolling up a burrito when she saw that the face of Jesus in the skillet burns on the tortilla. Rubio rushed out, told her friends and neighbors (Way to look like a crackpot neighbor: Run over next door and tell them to check out the face of a deity in a dish of Tex Mex) and soon formed a shrine for the tortilla, which a priest blessed.

Over 35,000 people had visited the Shrine of The Holy Tortilla by 1979, and the Rubio house remained a tourist destination for years. The Holy Tortilla survived many attempts to usurp its place as the true miracle burrito (including this one), but its reign came to an end when one of the Rubio grandchildren took it to show and tell and broke it. Admittedly, there was not much to “show” at that point anyway since the face was no longer visible, and a burrito, not the most attractive-looking food item when it’s just been prepared, would probably not have looked too good at 30.