Drunks Shooting Stuff: …And God’s Mercy on the Wild Lawnmower Man

Continuing our series on drunken shotgun violence (see Friday’s entry on a moose being sent to that hunting lodge wall in the sky [though the moose was the drunk party in that one]), we would be remiss if we failed to report on the case of a Milwaukee man who engaged in armed combat with that highly tempting target – a gas-powered lawnmower.

The duty to mow a lawn on a regular basis is enough to make anyone, even those who don’t break out into hives at the mere sight of anything green and outdoors, want to permanently live in an apartment. (And the sound of some inconsiderate lawn-loving prick starting up his lawnmower bright and early on a Saturday morning while you’re trying to sleep off a hangover should be a justifiable cause for homicide.)

When your lawnmower is a piece of junk that takes numerous pulls and expletives to get started, it’s not surprising that you might be tempted to do the thing grievous harm. And such was the case with our Milwaukee friend (Editor’s Note: Given its size, Wisconsin is amply represented on this website. See here for more), who had spent the morning drinking, decided in the early afternoon to mow his lawn (the best time), couldn’t get it started, and ended up shooting the thing with a sawed-off shotgun. A neighbor, of the rat-fink variety of neighbor, phoned police and he was arrested, charged with drunken disorderly conduct and also for having the sawed-off shotgun in the first place (the ‘sawed-off’ part makes it illegal).

The weapons charge is likely the one that sees him facing an incredible potential six-year prison term, however the defendant in this case offered a defence that we’d accept if we somehow were unable to dodge jury duty and found ourselves listening to this case. “"I can do that," he told police. "It’s my lawn mower and my yard, so I can shoot it if I want." And damn it, he’s right! It’s not like the shotgun blast ricocheted and fell some neighbor out trimming the bougainvillea. The only victim here was a crap lawnmower that had it coming anyway. And if a man can’t get drunk and disorderly in his own home, then where exactly can he? Being able to shoot up your lawnmower while pie-eyed before the PM is exactly what freedom is all about.

And as a tribute of sorts to our lawnmower man friend for sticking up for everyone’s right to get a bit ripped and reckless, we have compiled here some clips of others doing just that. As any seasoned emergency-room nurse will tell you, drinking and guns do mix and here is video proof of just how often:

First for those of you who need a visual to fully comprehend what the destruction of a lawnmower entails, here it is:

A scenic train ride in the Russian countryside isn’t complete unless you take a moment to fire a few shotgun blasts out the window. Bonus: the guy doing the shooting is a well known Russian politician.

Camping: An attempt to commune with nature while shooting up whiskey bottles and going on drunken wheelbarrow rides.

The William Tell legend but with two drunken buddies instead of the father and son and a stuffed animal in place of the apple. No word on whether this pair of Darwin Awards contenders continued to be as lucky.

And of course, a blog like this would not be complete without a mention of the patron saint of intoxicated people shooting up stuff, a man who spent the last quarter of his life pretty much doing exactly that, the good doctor Hunter S. Thompson. A classic clip from Conan O’Brien:

via videosift.com

Punch Drunk in Aisle One: Barfly Picks Fight with Boxing Coach at Shop

In boxing parlance, a "tomato can" is a hand-picked schlub brought in to go a few rounds with the champ, whose odds of scoring an upset are comparable to say, Madison, Wisconsin landing the next games of the Olympiad.

While these guys are technically professional fighters, at least when they're not earning a living as roofers, drywallers and doing other jobs that don't require a background check, it's not uncommon for the town drunk to take one glassy-eyed look at one of these soft around the midriff ham 'n' eggers and think to themselves, "I could take 'em"--especially if he's facing the other way and I'm swinging a barstool. It's no accident then that "punch drunk" has become part of the lexicon as we'll see in this story.

A London man, on the back end of a two-day drink and cocaine-fueled bender, “weekends” as Keith Richards calls ‘em, walked up to a fellow shopper, 23, and accused him of "gie' in evils” to him. The shopper tried to ignore him (having no clue what “gie’ in evils” means, we would have done the same, though we assume the language barrier didn’t apply here), but the drunk would not quit. He got in the man’s face and punched him before pulling out a sharpened key and slashing the man across the chest. He then challenged the man to “Gie us your best shot”. What the cocaine-addled thug didn’t know about the man in the grocery store buying baby-wipes was that he coached boxing for a living, and a bare-knuckled punch from him is not something that most people would willingly invite.

The boxer laid out the drunk with one almighty shot that smashed his jaw and left him in hospital for two days. The judge took the accused’s having to stick to liquids for a long while into account when accepting his guilty plea to a charge of assault, rather than the attempted murder charge he had been brought in on. The judge gave our binging friend three years in prison, where he will no doubt have people “gie’in” him their best shot, invited or otherwise.

Smoking Bans Increase DUI rates: Of Cancer sticks and stick shifts

Cigarettes and alcohol make a natural pairing. Before cigarettes were invented, people's non-drinking hand would be used to say, illustrate a point about macro economic theory or indicate 'two more please' while the other would be tested keeping the contents of the glass level as your bar legs gave way.

In fact, many vices go together quite naturally, such as pulling the slot machine lever while taking copious sips of complimentary cranberry-based cocktails, or using a pint of your favorite lager to down a nighttimes' worth of pharmaceutical pleasures, while laying down $5 bets on whether the next person to enter a bar was male or female.
In the first study of its kind, a study in the Journal of Public Economics (a real page turner, especially if you're doing hard time and have reading materials restricted) looked at the relationship between the recent spate of smoking bans and DUI rates and the results have anti-smoking advocates fuming.

Researchers from the University of Wisconsin-Milwaukee, and the University of South Carolina noticed there was an increase in drunk driving accidents in non-smoking cities, as well as the boundary lines that surrounded them. Their conclusion: people like to smoke while drinking (duh) and will go to great lengths to find a bar where you can do both.

Another possibility: people unable to smoke in bars, will light up in their cars drunk, compromising the 'keep your hands on the 9 and 3 o'clock position of the wheel' driving school admonition (resulting in the less popular/effective, 'one hand on 6 o'clock with a cigarette in the other, puffing out the window while listening to Journey's greatest hits' position).

We're not entirely sure what impact this study will have, but we could sure go for a smoke and a cold one right about now.

Drunk Driver Calls 911 on Self: Hello Wisconsin!

As we've noted in previous posts, to the point of smacking our heads repeatedly against the steering wheel in frustration, we unequivocally, in no way whatsoever endorse impaired driving---our Top Ten Greatest Drinking & Driving Anthems of All Time referring solely to the soundtrack of a drunken, Grand Theft Auto game in the confines of one's moldy basement.

That being said, we've taken great pleasure here in pointing out the folly of those who do get behind the wheel blotto and while this may not garner any favor with those who fly red ribbons from their antennae, we'd be hypocrites if we claimed otherwise---as authors of a sizable chapter in our book entitled, Contents May Shift in Transit: Drunk and on the Move.

In a subsection of the above, Chariots of Firewater no less, we noted a drunk driver in Germany who got sidetracked with a flat, and in a breach of male etiquette dictating that you change your own damn tire drunk or otherwise, decided to phone for help. In his compromised state, he unwittingly called police instead of roadside assistance, presumably missing the 'Hello---police', on the other end and then blurting out that a mechanic should be dispatched post-haste as he was very drunk and things would turn ugly for him if the cops arrived. Which they did.

In Wisconsin, a woman decided to call 911 dispatch while driving home drunk from a local watering hole. The following is a transcript of the conversation.

Caller: I just want to know if somebody can follow me home because somebody seems to think I can't drive home straight.

911 Operator: OK, why is that?

Caller: He seems to think I am too intoxicated to drive.

911 Operator: OK, and so you called 911, or he called 911?

Caller: Well, he wanted me to call 911 because he thinks I'm too drunk to drive.

The 'he' in this case was a boyfriend who'd consumed a 12-pack by himself, yet still had the wherewithal to point out the driver, who'd knocked back 6, should not be getting behind the wheel (and yet no foresight or judgment whatsoever to pass up a ride home).

The woman failed the Breathalyzer and was ticketed in her own garage, but not before earning the unlikely kudos from a county sheriff (possibly, a distant relation):

"I think a judge will look at her and say, 'You know what? You stepped up to the plate. You did the right thing. I think it's commendable."