'Cover' your Ears! The 10 Worst Bon Jovi Cover Versions of All Time

Bon Jovi's baffling popularity has continued unabated for two decades now, as this weekend's Central Park concert shows, however in our minds, there is nobody more deserving of both a solid punt to the arse, or a safe dropped on them from a sufficient height, than these crap-rock poster boys, whose music is so middle of the road, their tour bus should have its own dedicated lane.

If only we could lace 'em up and kick 'em when they're down, but they're never down, churning out the same Springsteen-lite cacophony year after year.

To honor the band, and also in the spirit of celebrating the worst of everything, we've decided to put together a tribute, of sorts, to Bon Jovi, the world’s most famous Bruce Springsteen tribute band/wimp rock quartet.

Unlike some bands, the core group has remained relatively intact. This has enabled the Jersey boys with Swiss watch- like reliability, to consistently put out unspeakably awful music year after year.

The sole exception of course, the booting bass player Alec John Such (the 'soul' of the group in that he sported soul patch facial hair), because he ‘couldn’t play his instrument’—a requirement obviously forgotten as few of the remaining members actually know how to play theirs (with the exception being David Bryan, the band’s keyboard player, who actually trained at the Juilliard School of Music, and judging by his current gig tickling the ivories with the Jersey dunder-heads, is about as overqualified as the 'Ice Man' Chuck Liddell doing security detail at a Girl Scouts Jamboree)



Their intrepid leader Jon Bon Jovi, of course, is Bruce Springsteen— if Bruce had a tin ear, Meg Ryan’s hairstylist, and penned gems like ‘Tomorrow's getting harder make no mistake, Luck ain't even lucky’ instead of great songs like Born to Run, Highway Patrolman or Thunder Road.

It is not hyperbole to say that BJ represents everything wrong with modern music, or at least, modern horticultural hair band music that became more bankrupt, creatively speaking, than Bear Stearns, and peaked around oh, 1987, unbeknownst to the band.

Bon Jovi is a church-basement rummage sale clearing house version of The Boss. Their ‘rock-lite’ is more sanitized than a trauma burn unit and their Forest Gump libretti induces more projectile vomiting than the elimination round at a chili eating contest. If this wasn't enough, and from our vantage point here it certainly is, their news anchor bobs will guarantee they’re a shoe-in for the next installment of ‘Old Men who Look Like Lesbians’.

The only thing worse than an actual Bon Jovi song, however, is Bon Jovi doing a version of someone else’s, automatically better original. Worse still, would be someone actually COVERING a Bon Jovi song, but to the best of our knowledge, the likelihood of this occurring is about as probable as a meteor the size of the state of New Jersey striking the earth.

Since their own music wasn’t bad enough, here is Bon Jovi doing what they do best—spilling their own REO Speedwagon / Journey / Three Dog Night / Springsteen-lite effluent on some of the world’s most well-beloved songs. Luckily for all concerned, these are so popular that nobody would mistake them for Bon Jovi originals and mislead any future generations. Here, in no particular order, because the pork rendering plant stench emanating from each, is indistinguishable from the other, is our 10 Worst Bon Jovi Covers of All Time:

10. Save the Last Dance for Me, Pomus and Shuman. Among the 'better' song on this list, only in the sense that it's better to have testicular cancer than say, lung. The presence of Willy Deville's voice means fewer verses for JBJ


9. You Were Always on My Mind Willie Nelson. Since his battle with the IRS, legendary Willie Nelson seems contractually obligated to work with just about anyone, and unfortunately this includes the Bon Jovi frontman


8. Rockin' in the Free World, Neil Young. This 'free world' musically speaking, is more like a police state run by a strong-armed military junta


7. Hallelujah, Leonard Cohen. The second piece of Canadiana desecrated by the Garden State purveyors of garden-variety pop rock, that neither pops nor rocks.


6. I Thank You, Hayes & Porter, as performed by Sam & Dave. Debasing the Stax Records legacy




5. Not Fade Away, Buddy Holly & Norman Petty, made famous by Buddy Holly & the Crickets. Contrary to the wishes of music fans, Bon Jovi have been living up to the title



4. Fever Eddie Cooley & John Davenport, made famous by Peggy Lee
A rectal thermometer would fail to detect any heat emanating from this lukewarm version.



3. Twist & Shout by Phil Medley & Bert Russell, made famous by the Isley Brothers and the Fab Four. If the Isley Brothers got wind of this, they'd commit fratricide.






2. Help by Lennon & McCartney. This is beyond 'Help'. If Paul McCartney heard this, he'd pummel Jon Bon with Heather Mills' peg leg

1. R.E.S.P.E.C.T. by Otis Redding, made famous by Aretha Franklin
Bon Jovi's ironic, disrespectful take on Redding's classic

Four Words We Didn't Want to Hear On TV: George Carlin is Dead

“Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.” George Carlin (1937-2008)

We were saddened to hear the news of the passing of George Carlin, a comedian who is to comedy what authors like JP Donleavy, Hunter S. Thompson etc., are to books. His humor was not the, “You ever notice how after you do a wash, there’s always that one sock missing? Where did it go? Let’s explore that theme for the next five insufferable minutes!” kind, or some similar bland inoffensive pap that is likely to get the teller a sitcom, but unlikely to challenge the person hearing the joke any more than the morning garden program on only-seniors-and-lunatics-are-up-at-this-godforsaken-hour weekend community radio.

Carlin was different. He challenged people with his comedy. He went to jail to challenge people with his comedy (the pictures above aren't film stills). Writing this blog today took a long time because we were continuously sidetracked by hilarious Carlin bits on everything from growing up Irish Catholic, to people who ought to be killed (Part One, Part Two), to a breakdown of the Ten Commandments that even Christopher Hitchens might have envied, and many other bits.

George Carlin is gone now but he has left a wealth of material behind him that will be howled at and, more importantly, thought about for years to come. Of course, we’re the kind of guys who do our best to lighten up any party, even a wake, so on that note we’ll leave you with some George Carlin quotes on drinking, partying, and the best analysis of Snow White's Seven Dwarfs that we've yet come across:

“And this should go without saying. That's why I'm going to say it: Drinking and driving don't mix. Do your drinking early in the morning and get it out of the way. Then go driving while the visibility is still good.
“Napalm and Silly Putty”

The radio ad said "Hi, I'm Jeff Healey from the Jeff Healey Band. Don't drink and drive. I don't." Well, I hope you don't drive sober either, Mr. Healey. You're blind, for God's sake!
"Ten Things That Piss Me Off"

[Relevant entries from] People I can do without. This is my list: A gynecologist who wants my wife to have three or four drinks before the examination…Girls who get drunk and throw up at breakfast… A cross-eyed nun with a bullwhip and a bottle of gin!
“What Am I Doing in New Jersey?”

The seven dwarfs were each on different little trips. Happy was into grass and grass alone... Happy, that's all he did. Sleepy was into reds. Grumpy. Too much speed. Sneezy was a full blown coke freak. Doc was a connection. Dopey was into everything. Any old orifice will do for Dopey. He's always got his arm out and his leg up. And then, the one we always forget, because he was, Bashful. Bashful didn't use drugs. He was paranoid on his own. Didn't need any help on that ladder.
"Nursery Rhymes", Toledo Window Box

Unsourced

“Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics should be told not to fuck”

I think tobacco and alcohol warnings are too general. They should be more to the point: "People who smoke will eventually cough up small brown pieces of lung." And "Warning! Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was."

"Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day."

"You never meet a wino with perfect pitch."

I'll bet there aren't too many people hooked on crack who can play the bagpipes.

"Let's stop underage drinking before it starts." Please explain this to me. It sounds tricky."

"When a masochist brings someone home from the bar, does he say, "Excuse me a moment, I'm going to slip into something uncomfortable"?

"When he got loaded, the human cannonball knew there were not many men of his caliber."

"I'd hate to be an alcoholic with Alzheimer's. Imagine needing a drink and forgetting where you put it. "

And on that note…

What is all this shit about angels? Have you heard this? Three out of four people now, believe in angels. What're you, fuckin' stupid? Has everybody lost their fuckin' minds in this country? Angels, shit. You know what I think it is? I think it's a massive collective psychotic chemical flashback of all the drugs - all the drugs - smoked, swallowed, snorted, shot, and absorbed rectally by all Americans from 1960 to 1990. Thirty years of adulterated street drugs'll get you some fuckin' angels, my friend.

"Angels", You Are All Diseased

I've begun worshipping the Sun for a number of reasons. First of all, unlike some other gods I could mention, I can see the Sun. It's there for me every day. And the things it brings me are quite apparent all the time: heat, light, food, reflections at the park... the occasional skin cancer, but hey. There's no mystery, no one asks for money, I don't have to dress up, and there's no boring pageantry. But I don't pray to the sun - it wouldn't be polite to presume on our friendship. You know who I pray to? Joe Pesci.

"There Is No God", You Are All Diseased (1999)

This conversation is bound to turn up. Two guys in a street meet each other and one of them says, "hey, did you hear? Phil Davis died". "Phil Davis? I just saw him yesterday." "Yeah, didn't help. He died anyway. Apparently, the simple act of you seeing him did not slow down his cancer. In fact, it may have made it more aggressive. You know, you could be the cause for Phil's Death, how, do you live with yourself?"

“It's Bad for Ya” (2008)

Goodbye Mr. Carlin, we salute you.

Top 10 Actors Whose Crappy Movies are Guaranteed to be Shown on a Plane!

As a captive audience for PS I Love You, and not the kind of captive audience that could at least interrupt the proceedings by shanking the warden, it seems there are certain actors whose films are more likely to be shown on commercial flights than others.

Unlike a typical movie theater audience, for whom dozing off would be a common, though unintended outcome for many of these movies, in-flight screenings are to 300 plus worn out travelers, who'd rather be sleeping before the rolling of either the opening credits or the drinks cart.

Like trains before them, the first commercial flights were long ago associated with all the glamor and prestige of a champagne and orange juice breakfast rather than today when they're more commonly linked to microwavable butter chicken/unidentifiable protein plastic tray repasts.

These days, unless you're in first class, where cherries dipped in Belgian chocolate are dangled into eager mouths, you're more likely to encounter nose-hair singeing B.O. re-circulated throughout the cabin, howling infants who due to FAA restrictions unfortunately cannot be stowed in overhead compartments and limits on how many rum & Cokes can be downed before a stern reprimand and a dip into that duty free gin that sits in your carry on.

The in-flight movie is meant to be a two-hour diversion from such unpleasantness, not to mention the strain of patella bones jammed into eye sockets with the impromptu reclining of the seat in front, whose occupant then goes on to remove their socks, an apt sensory accompaniment to the on-screen 'entertainment'.

The problem is, these bottom-feeding MOR vehicles don't dare offend anyone, so what the weary traveler is left with, are some of the films listed here.

In PS I Love You, shown on a recent Amsterdam to Toronto flight and mercifully, not the reverse as well, or else the integrity of the cabin door would've been tested for a quick exit into space, either Jennifer Garner or Hilary Swank portray a woman haunted by posthumous letters left by her husband.
[Editor's note: it's very likely Swank and Garner are the same person, though confirmatory calls to her/their agent have gone unreturned]

These dispatches, carefully prepared by the hubbie while he knew he'd be dispatched to that great, big, airplane hangar in the sky, were designed ostensibly to help her 'get on with her life'. This, despite what is obvious to everyone else on screen, the cockpit crew, your seat-mate who is drooling like a bull mastiff and anyone who's stowed luggage under their seats--- that it is in fact doing the exact opposite, and is undeniably creepy.

Here is a list of the top actors in Hollywood who are most likely to make you wish you'd remembered to pack a sleep mask, or decided against that Tampa time-share.

Perennial 30-something slacker, Matthew McConaughey has a film resume peppered with in-flight staples (Fool's Gold, Failure to Launch, How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, Sahara), films so lengthy and wretched, you'd wish Air France would re-commission the Concorde to make that transatlantic trip in 3 hours, long enough to ensure that once meals are served, complimentary peanuts doled out, and supersonic gas fumes inhaled, there wouldn't be time left to take in any of his rotten oeuvre.




Sandra Bullock. On a trip to Milan, Italy several years back, I was initiated into a select fraternity: not the Freemasons, which would've meant bypassing the lineups in the country's finest museums and voting in their election, but along with several hundred or so of my fellow passengers, we were forced to sit through Miss Congeniality, not once, but twice. In this ostensible comedy, which guffaw for guffaw, easily matched that of the Asian tsunami disaster, Bullock plays an FBI agent who, to thwart a bombing, must go undercover in a beauty pageant despite being old enough to have given birth to all the contestants. Her latest work, 'All About Steve' is currently in post-production, and judging by the title alone, you'll be treated to it on that trip to Heathrow or Charles de Gaulle sometime next year.

Kirsten Dunst. Though still quite young, the fanged blonde has a lengthy career in commercial aviation-related entertainment ahead of her, having shown great potential in Bring it On, Drop Dead Gorgeous, and of course, Spider Man I and II.

Owen Wilson earned his wings in several charter-ready flicks, including the extraordinarily unwatchable Drillbit Taylor, The Darjeeling Limited, You, Me and Dupree, Starsky & Hutch, Night at the Museum.



Ryan Reynolds has a crappy in-flight movie resume longer than the runway for the new Airbus A380, with Definitely Maybe, The In-Laws, Chaos Theory and Just Friends. Apropos of nothing, he was once engaged to the ironically talented Alanis (Why the long face?) Morissette.


Kate Hudson. Since giving a decent accounting of herself in the Cameron Crowe period piece Almost Famous, the offspring of Goldie Hawn and somebody almost famous named Hudson, has rung up a string of flicks that have been shown while cruising at 30,000 feet. These include How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, Alex & Emma, Le Divorce, Raising Helen, You, Me and Dupree and Fool's Gold. Her place in this list will be solidified well into 2010 with the filming of Bride Wars and My Best Friend's Girl (currently in post production), flicks that passengers will comfortably doze through shortly, barring any kind of heavy turbulence or hijacking threats.


Dermot Mulroney. With Griffin & Phoenix, The Family Stone, Must Love Dogs and the Wedding Date under his belt, Mulroney is a shoe-in for the world of fixed wing propulsive thrust cinema.






Robin Williams. Unlike leg-warmers and hairspray, the hirsute Williams' coke-fueled 'humor' has not seen a resurgence in popularity from the 80s. The guy responsible for not only writing the book on family-friendly, barely serviceable comedy, but penning the foreword and editing it as well, RW has added to the dreariness of modern flight with RV, Man of the Year, Night at the Museum, License to Wed, Patch Adams, Goodwill Hunting, Mrs Doubtfire, Toys, Hook, Awakenings, and Dead Poets Society.



Julia Roberts Roberts is the queen of feel-good fare that should have an FAA restriction on it, Notting Hill, My Best Friend's Wedding, Runaway Bride, America's Sweethearts, Full Frontal (in which she isn't) Closer, and Mona Lisa Smile, though it's more of a smirk.

Hugh Grant. The undisputed king, the Sovereign of the Skies and the only member of this list, whose each and every film could upset stomachs between in-flight meals.

Stop the presses! Lily Allen gets too drunk at some awards gala

For those of you mercifully unfamiliar with the business of journalism (those whose chosen career path is one in which the salary exceeds that of your average busboy and does not involve having to indulge in the odd repast usually enjoyed by the family cat), there are five 'W's related to the profession.

These are the infamous who, what, where, when and why questions they focus on ('who cares?' being the equivalent to the 'and sometimes Y' for vowels. The 'why even bother getting into the profession anyway?' is something we'll get into at another time). The concept of the five Ws, along with renting a film adaptation of a George Orwell novel, forms the fundamental basis of journalism.

Now that we've saved you thousands of dollars that might've been spent on journalism school tuition rather than say, a nice vacation to the Amalfi Coast, and possibly an orange visor and a comfortable pair of walking shoes, we can concentrate on the 'who', which is exactly the question we posed to one another when a certain Lily Allen crept into the news.

Lily Allen, despite sounding like a pharmaceutical subsidiary that spits out erectile dysfunction tablets, is apparently a pop-singer (who). Ms Allen got drunk recently at an awards show in England (what, when and where). With four of the five Ws covered, the 'why' that's left is self-explanatory, as having to sit through anything dubbed 'The Glamour Awards' beyond catching the odd glimpse of a boob, seems to be a recipe for catching up on those summer novels and at the very least, sneaking a quart of rum into an oversized handbag.

Apparently, at said gala, a bouncer had to carry away the pop star whose ability to carry a tune didn't translate into being able to hold her liquor.

Speaking of her songs, between the two of us, even after snapping our fingers and getting the hotel lobby pianist to tickle a jaunty 'C' on the ivories, we couldn't come up with the names of any of them. We had an even vaguer notion of what she looked like---as it turns out, the girl at the mall who scoops your butter pecan.

So, in a nod to the business of 'celebrity journalism' (that subset of the profession that deals with 'who cares?' types of questions), we, um, salute the pop-star and turn to matters of greater import later this week--the business of Trappist Belgian beer---once the jet-lag subsides.

[Sleep-deprived Editor's note: Lily Allen, is apparently dating Dustin Hoffman's son and according to reports, they met at a VIP (actually, the source newspaper's description as both the 'V' and the 'I' seem to be lacking here) bash. "He thought she was a lovely, cute girl, but didn't have a clue who she was."]

Hillary Clinton Takes Shots, Not at Rival Obama but of Whiskey

Based on the dismal two-term bargain basement presidency of George W, we can make this blanket statement: tipplers make better presidents than teetotalers as anyone up to this point, including notorious booze-hound Dick Nixon, has been a better president.

Dubya, who was a lot more fun back when his nose was more full of the white stuff than a face-planting Picabo Street or when he indulged in the occasional brew, hasn't enjoyed a drop in nearly a decade (he was photographed at a 2007 summit in Germany, swilling a piss-poor non alcoholic 'near beer', a nearly punishable offense in that country, not to mention a product brewed by mediocre foreign rival Heineken that luckily didn't result in an international incident)

The current crop of Oval Office aspirants, though, are no strangers to the odd bevvie, and currently reaching out to voters, by reaching for the occasional pint.

Automaton former first lady Hillary has been urged to 'loosen up a bit' and is taking this to heart as she compounded her populist rhetoric recently by pounding back a few on the campaign trail at a Fort Wayne, Indiana watering hole. [Editor's note: forced banter with someone sporting a 'DAD' sweatshirt and prominent under-bite, in a state more backward than the Hebrew alphabet is best undertaken with a few dollops of liquid courage]

According to a local wine-and-spirits representative with no vested interest whatsoever, "I think she'd loosen up better" [if she had a few]

In terms of jump starting the economy and decreasing income inequality, her campaign platform would be well served to include the following bit of wobbly, booze-friendly research (correlation not implying causation here, unless the profs are springing for the tab). According to a study out of San Jose State U, where you can major in advanced beachcombing, "drinkers earn 10 to 14 percent more than those who refrain from drinking", with females representing the higher end of the spectrum.

Also, and this will provide a built-in pretext for browbeaten hubbies to have a few hours' respite from the missus--men who go to a bar at least once a month earn an additional 7 percent on top of the 10 percent drinking premium. Of course, we'd expect diminishing returns if this figure were to include more than ____(insert double digit figure deemed appropriate here)

Here's rival Obama gingerly sipping on a pint in PA, perhaps aiming to close the gap between beer drinkers and wine drinkers, the former predominantly GOP voters according to the latest CNN Lou Dobbs book-ending filler poll.

The Top 10 Coolest Bartenders of All Time (Part 2)

As we noted in Part One of the Top 10 Coolest Bartenders of All Time, bartenders in films and TV, if they’re given any face time at all, are lucky if they get their day’s studio parking validated for uttering “I think you best see yer friend outta here” and wrenching a highball glass from the masturbatory grip of the protagonist, who is then propped up by his buddies and shuffled out the door while ugly looks are exchanged. More commonly, they get to tell some beat cop holding up a police sketch “Yeh, dat’s da guy… he was in here last week”, or are made to dive for cover to avoid shards of glass from the explosion of cheap bottles of booze whenever some vigilante cowboy/mobster/trucker psychopath shoots up the place.

This list is our effort to ensure that the unheralded film/TV bartender is remembered for something other than smacking a beer bottle off the odd noggin in the midst of a saloon brawl, or being a silent captive audience (at least until last call) forced to listen to whatever heart-rending problems that consume the star and require dulling with drink.

Movies, TV and music have given us many bars (for a more thorough accounting of just how many, allow us to recommend a visit to "Booze Movies", the '100-proof' Film Guide), and many barkeeps doling out the liquid courage, but only 10 notable enough to merit entry into this club. Last week we gave you the first five on our list, and here are the final five – The Coolest Fictional Barkeeps of all Time:

5) Georgie the Bada Bing bartender (Frank Santorelli, The Sopranos): Most of us have a pretty low threshold for what we’ll put up with in the workplace – if we belong to a union or know a good labor-rights lawyer, that threshold is almost non-existent. But there are some schlubs who will take abuse on a daily basis and still show up to work the next day in a good mood. Georgie Santorelli is the patron saint of those schlubs. We give kudos to Georgie for his dogged perseverance over the five years he served as Tony’s personal heavy bag. Georgie possibly set the record on the show for the most violence inflicted upon a character who does not end up getting whacked.

Georgie’s transgressions include maintaining his professionalism – wanting to get rid of melting ice for fear it’ll water the drinks, and trying to keep spirits up – he gets a vicious beating that sends him to the hospital when he tells Tony and the gang to “live for the day”. Georgie is beaten with the Bada Bing phone in season one, a novelty fish that sings “Take me to the River” in season three (Georgie’s hospital expenses must have been astronomical that year as he was also horribly beaten and nearly blinded in a chain/pool cue attack by crazy Ralphie), an ice bucket in season four, and Tony’s fists in season five. For exhibiting either really poor career judgment or having the most admirable work ethic on television, Georgie makes it into the Top Five of our list of the Top 10 Bartenders of all time.

Quote:
Georgie: Ice, Ton, when it hangs around it gets watery
Silvio: Georgie, be quiet
Georgie: But it dilutes the drinks, especially scotch
Tony (throwing an ice bucket at Georgie and rushing in for the attack): Here, throw it all away. Waste it all, f*ckin' John D. Rockfeller! Waste it all!
Georgie: Ow!
Tony (walking away): Conserve!

Here, in a Shark Guys special, is a compilation of Georgie’s beatings as doled out by Tony Soprano:





4) “Joe”, the bartender in Frank Sinatra’s “One For My Baby”: In the fourth slot, we turn to the world of song where Joe, the person being addressed in Sinatra's classic croon “One for My Baby (and one more for the road)”, has to cope with the dark side of drunkenness: the self-pitying, moody drunk who refuses to leave. The nameless narrator is well into his cups by the time he pipes up with this pitiful lament, and Joe is forced to listen to it: “It’s quarter to three/There’s no one in the place ‘cept you and me/So set ‘em up Joe/I got a little story I think you oughtta know."

Joe’s heard a million such stories, but he’s a gentleman and doesn’t toss this gin-soaked customer out the door so he can get a good night’s sleep. The customer even requests that the jukebox be turned on at this godforsaken hour: "I know the routine/Put another nickel in that there machine/I’m feeling so bad/Won’t you make the music easy and sad."

Finally it seems as if the customer realizes how much he's inconveniencing the barkeep and has decided to leave: "Well, that’s how it goes/And Joe I know you’re gettin' anxious to close/So thanks for the cheer/I hope you didn’t mind/My bending your ear."

But wait, he's still going on!: “But this torch that I found/It's gotta be drowned/Or it soon might explode/So make it one for my baby/And one more for the road." Another round! This guy wants to drink till the sun comes up.

Joe makes this list on behalf of all bartenders who have had to forsake a good night’s sleep to keep the drinks flowing for one lonely drunk holding up a bar. For this song sung from the bartender’s perspective, check out George Jones’ “Bartender Blues”. (Editor's Note: "One for my Baby" has the distinction of also appearing on our list of the Top Ten Drinking and Driving Songs of All Time)






3) Sam Malone (Ted Danson, Cheers): Before he became known for Friars Club blackface roasts, Ted Danson was one of three bartenders – the other two being Ernie “Coach” Pantusso (Nicholas Colasanto) and Woody Boyd (Woody Harrelson, whose post-“Cheers” roles made Sammy’s turns as a pusher of other stimulants in “Becker” and the short-lived “Help Me, Help You” pale in comparison) – at “Cheers”, the bar where, like secret police headquarters, “everybody knows your name”.

In Cheers, prior to donning Cosby knits and sporting an increasingly graying pompadour, Sam Malone was the innuendo-spouting ex-jock, keeper of a black book, which contained all the ladies he’d bedded at the height of the AIDS era, and was amusing foil to the cadre of unemployed drunks who comprised Cheers regulars. According to the show’s storyline, Sam is a recovering alcoholic; he might have been voted the number one fictional bartender of all time had more “Cheers” episodes involved him falling off the wagon and getting crazy drunk in the bar. Regardless, for his lady-killer ways, creativity in feuds with Gary’s Old Town Tavern, and ability to keep his clientèle happily pickled year after year, we salute Mayday Malone.

Quotes: Sam: What'll you have Normie?
Norm: Well, I'm in a gambling mood Sammy, I'll take a glass of whatever comes out of that tap.
Sam: Looks like beer, Norm
Norm: Call me Mr Lucky.



2) Nick from “It’s a Wonderful Life” (Sheldon Leonard): Oh the mystery that is Nick. When we first meet him he’s helping out a drunken George Bailey; along with his boss, an Italian stereotype named Martini (“Why you drink so much, my friend?”), Nick shows genuine concern for George and tries to help him after he’s cold-cocked by some angry drunk at the bar.

Fast-forward to the alternate reality of “Pottersville” – the world where Bedford Falls has become a cesspool because George Bailey wasn’t around to fix everything – and every shred of decency has left Nick; he now owns the bar and he’s become an insufferable, mean-spirited prick. Far from lending a helping hand, boss-man Nick tosses George Bailey and his angel friend out on their ears in the dead of winter for talking crazy – but not before spraying the pharmacist-turned hobo (one of many characters whose lives have gone to pot due to Bailey not having existed) with a seltzer bottle – a cruel act of humiliation done to the roaring delight of the evil crowd congregated there.

Theories abound as to what drove Nick to such ends – McSweeney's published a very good analysis of Nick's transformation from good guy to class A jerk (click here for that), which suggests, among other possibilities, that Nick may have been a minion for Satan. Regardless, his transformation is one of the most interesting and compelling parts of this feel-good movie that has lost its shine as we’ve seen it a thousand times, and we'll probably see it again if remotes get lost around the holidays.

(In a nice bit of booze-culture symmetry, Sheldon Leonard, the man who played Nick, also had a minor, though memorable role in “Cheers” -- he played the owner of Norm’s favorite restaurant “The Hungry Heifer).

And pour a drink for Number One on Our Coolest Bartender of all Time List:

1) Moe Szyslak: ("The Simpsons", voiced by Hank Azaria): In the number one slot is none other than Moe Szyslak, bartender and proprietor of Moe’s Tavern, Springfield’s own, gentrification-resistant watering hole on The Simpsons, as one yuppie puts it: ‘This isn’t a faux dive, this is a dive!” The squawk voiced hatchet-faced barkeep is the second pro boxer on our list, a testament to the numerous dangers that lurk in the nation's seedier saloons. Known as Kid Gorgeous, Kid Presentable, Kid Gruesome, and finally Kid Moe in his fightin’ heyday, he amassed quite an impressive consecutive knock-out streak in his brief pugilistic career—albeit, on the receiving end.

Moe is not only a true pop culture icon, but is also the only one on our list to have invented his own drink, the cough syrup-based libation, The Flaming Moe. This is of course, unless you count the Cheers’ gang’s ploy to oust a thoroughly unpopular barkeep, Wayne, who’d boasted he knew every drink there was—but was foiled by a made up vodka/vermouth concoction, The Screaming Viking (cucumber slightly bruised).

As Moe’s Tavern’s only employee, Moe’s the consummate multi-tasker, especially when it comes to the underground economy, overseeing a slew of illegal enterprises including a Russian roulette gambling ring right out of The Deer Hunter, a booze can, an animal smuggling operation, sports bookmaking, and loan-sharking to boost his pub’s often sagging fortunes.

Quote:

Moe: Seems nobody wants to hang out in a dank pit no more.
Carl: You ain’t thinking of getting rid of the dank, are you, Moe?

Moe is the consummate professional, always looking out for his crappy canteen’s bottom line: “If you're going to beat up my friend in my bar, there's a 2 drink minimum!"




Dishonorable Mentions:

Before we get to the names of those who would have fit perfectly well on this list let us first mention the deliberate exclusions, those whose tip jars weren't nearly full enough:

Tom Cruise, “Cocktail”: This 1989 double-Razzie-award-winning (worst picture and screenplay) is one of the few modern mainstream films made that focuses specifically on bartenders. The main characters drink throughout the entire film, yet despite that surefire recipe for success none of the characters ever appear to be drunk and the end result is a film that is neither funny nor interesting.

The Coyote Ugly Girls, “Coyote Ugly”: A terrible film connected to a string of bars with overpriced drinks and good looking clog-dancing staff members who may have had to go through the humiliation of participating in one of the most low-aiming reality TV shows ever made in order to get the job.

Quark, “Star Trek Deep Space Nine”: We just don’t get the whole Star Trek thing once William Shatner stopped being involved. Enough already.

The hapless bartender in the always hapless Steven Seagal vehicle, Out of Justice, featuring some of the worst tough-guy accents and per capita 'Hey Ritchie!' and 'Hey Vinnie's!' not seen outside a Rhode Island panini shop as well as another former boxer to add to the list.

Seagal, "Gino Felino", whose atrocious accent gives viewers a sampling of an indeterminate New York City borough, marches into a generic tough bar, and puts the smack down on every dirt-bag denizen therein. This includes the poor barkeep, who is at least knocked silly and doesn't have to witness any more ersatz, Scorsese-wannabe pony-tailed chop-socky.

Gino: I noticed a bunch-a boxin' mem-rabilia...We gots some gloves ova hee-ya. Pic-shas every-way-uh...(to the bartender) Who's da boxa?
Bartender: Me.
Gino: You da boxa?
Bartender: Yeh
Gino: You da tough guy?
Bartender: Tough enough
Gino: What could you do?
Bartender: To you? (Editor's note: Isn't this implied?)
Gino Felino proceeds to drop him like sh*t from a tall horse.





And now Honorable Mentions:

Sandra Oh, “Sideways”: For all the drunks who have ever given a glass-eyed glaze to a pretty barmaid, Sandra Oh, who plays a wine server (a job that would not be the equivalent of a bartender in any film other than this one), hooking up with Thomas Haden-Church in the booze-movie classic “Sideways” is a barroom fantasy played out on film (minus the part where she maliciously assaults him).

Nat (Howard Da Silva), “The Lost Weekend”: The main bartender in Billy Wilder’s powerful – albeit heavily melodramatic – film about when boozing goes bad, Nat, is a mix of a father figure and an AA sponsor for Don Birnam. When Birnam begs Nat for a drink, just one drink to get by, Nat responds, “Yeah, one. One's too many and a hundred's not enough. That's all.”

Ted Lange, as Isaac Washington in The Love Boat:
In each and every lost luggage-themed episode Isaac plies the passengers on board the Princess Pacific with enough umbrella-filled libations to lose their recently gained sea legs.

(Click here for Part One of The Top 10 Coolest Bartenders of All Time)

The Top 10 Coolest Bartenders of All Time (Part 1)

Hollywood, not surprisingly, has introduced us to some truly memorable drunks – think Billy Bob Thornton in "Bad Santa", or, far creepier and more likely to cause you to wake yourself up screaming, Gary Busey in "Carny".

But what of the men and women on the other side of the bar, patiently stomaching the hero’s bravado and slinging the drinks that fuel his adventures (real-life versions of which we chronicled in our book)? Bartenders are often left out of the spotlight, a point most clearly made by the fact that they are often not even given a name in film credits. Julian Lennon, for example, may have played alongside Nicholas Cage in Leaving Las Vegas, but to the world he will remain “Bartender # 3 in Biker Bar”.

We have attempted here to rectify that wrong somewhat and turn the spotlight on the profession of bartending with our “Top 10 Coolest Fictional Bartenders of All Time”. We offer this as a tip of sorts to all of the bartenders who have served us drinks in the past and been miffed when quarters were pocketed: enjoy and don’t expect much more from us anytime soon.

Here's the first 5 on the house (Click here for Part Two):

10) Danny Trejo: (bartender in From Dusk Till Dawn and Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy): Certain actors can’t help but be typecast – the guy who played the giant in Billy Crystal’s “My Giant”, for example, simply wouldn’t be believable playing the lead in a film about a meth-addicted horse jockey. Likewise, the gnarly-looking Danny Trejo, who has a tattoo of a woman wearing a sombrero emblazoned across his chest and has been on the wrong side of the plexiglass on prison visiting day, is unlikely to be cast as the highschool gym coach in a light comedy.

Danny Trejo is the only actor on our list to get credit for playing the role of barkeep in two (hugely different) films. His hellblazer persona was in full force when second cousin Robert Rodriguez cast him to sling drinks in "From Dusk Till Dawn". On the other end of the spectrum, in "Anchorman", he did what many good bartenders do – listen to a drunk’s complaints, and offer advice that is cheaper and (since it’s received while drinking) goes down better than that offered by a professional.

Quote:Bartender (Trejo): You know, times are changing. Ladies can do stuff now and you're going to learn how to deal with it.

Ron Burgundy: What? Were you saying something? Look, I don't speak Spanish.

9) Al Swearengen (Ian McShane, Deadwood): HBO’s excellent series "Deadwood" is quite possibly one of the most drink-filled shows ever to air on television. A bottle of whiskey is present at all meetings of import and a slew of bartenders are stationed throughout town to pour out the firewater and relieve recently fortunate miners of a bit of the weight of their gold. There’s Cy Tolliver and his flunkies over at the Bella Union, Tom Nuttall and his protégé, and of course the town centre/pub and whorehouse, The Gem Saloon, where Dan Dority and Johnny Burns serve drinks when they are not cutting throats. Also on hand with a bottle at all times is The Gem’s owner and series star Al Swearengen. Though not strictly a bartender, Al does regularly serve drinks in his establishment, at such times as when there is business to be conducted or treachery to be furthered for example. We picked him out of Deadwood’s huge bartender pool because, well, he has the very best lines in the show:

Quote: God rest the souls of that poor family... and pussy's half price for the next 15 minutes.






8) Lloyd from The Shining (Joe Turkel): Most who saw "The Shining" will remember Jack Nicholson’s unshaven mug breaking through a door to murder Shelly Duvall with a look of lunacy in his eyes. What may have went unnoticed in this one was a fine and creepy performance by Joe Turkel, who played Lloyd the pleasant bartender who helps Jack put to rest his long struggle with sobriety by getting him good and sloshed.

Lloyd the bartender is a figment of wacko Jacko's imagination, yet astute viewers will note that the level of whiskey in Jack Torrance's highball glass rises and falls throughout their demented conversation, and though some would say this is a continuity error, we're likely to suggest “cool parlor trick” by Lloyd. Besides, few bartenders can pull off a crimson velvet tux.

Quote: Jack: I like you Lloyd. Lloyd, you're the best goddamn bartender from Timbuktu to Portland Maine......or Portland Oregon...for that matter!!!
Lloyd: Thank you for saying so.

7) Jake LaMotta (The Hustler): We’re including this one simply because it’s a cool bit of film history that Jake LaMotta, one of the greatest boxers of all time, appeared in this classic . Of course, "Raging Bull", widely considered the best film made in the 1980s (or at least the best one in which Joe Pesci catches a beating), would later be made based on Lamotta’s life by Martin Scorsese, who would also go on to direct the (far inferior Tom Cruise-centred) sequel to this very film.

(It should be noted that Lamotta at the point of his appearance in "The Hustler" was past his salad days and into the “fat De Niro” part of "Raging Bull")

Quotes: Alas, there were no bon mots from LaMotta.

6) Frank Stallone ("Eddie the bartender" in Barfly): The Charles Bukowski-penned "Barfly" put Mickey Rourke on the map (though he shortly thereafter was added to the “missing persons” file for the better part of two decades) but it’s Sly’s unheralded sibling who steals the show in this one. As entertaining as Rourke is and as nice as Faye Dunaway’s legs are to look at, it would be pretty unlikely that you’d find either of them in a down and out boozecan like the one in this film. But you would find Frank Stallone – a dead-on embodiment of the egomaniac thug bartender. If you walk into a bar and the bartender looks like Frank Stallone in "Barfly", it’s time to find somewhere new to drink.

After administering a solid back alley thrashing to Rourke's Chinaski, Eddie drawls, "You'd think that son-of-a-bitch would've learned by now to stop tryin' me." Well, Chinaski doesn't learn ("I can take Eddie!") and with some much-needed 'fuel' (a sandwich) proceeds to whip him good in what seems like an unlikely turn of events. Regardless, that beating he takes helps cement Sylvester and Frank's fraternal cinematic legacy: best known for getting slugged in the kisser.

Quote: Chinaski: Hey you, you with the filthy apron.

Eddie: I hear a voice down there, but I sure as hell don't see much. Seems like dat beatin' I gave ya last night must've rattled ya bells.

CLICK HERE FOR PART TWO OF THE TOP 10 COOLEST DRUNKS OF ALL TIME!

Drunk News Anchor!

It is best, when watching the evening news, to have pre-recorded it. That way you can skip through the horrors of the day and sports (unless you need to collect on Super Bowl bets) and catch only the good stuff like lottery results, the weather and, if you’re lucky, a report on somebody who has just turned 100 but can still dance the cha-cha-cha. The evening news, when carefully edited in this manner, can be almost enjoyable to watch.

Of course, the role of the news anchor is essential to the proper enjoyment of a news broadcast. The entire effect of a news broadcast can be thrown off by a newscaster with a face that suggests he’s 60 and a dyed head of hair that suggests a tin of shoe polish applied liberally. A good set of teeth, as well as age appropriate hair and makeup (and in some cases eyewear or modest head accoutrements – earrings, hair accessories etc – in the case of a female broadcaster) are essential. A newscaster must also be able to maintain a steady, neutral tone, banter pleasantly with field reporters and tolerate the zany weatherman, as well as be able to cough and move briskly forward after having butchered the pronunciation of a foreign word.

What makes good TV news anchors such cool customers? How do they rattle off the news day after day with a straight face and lead people to the (mostly) false assumption that they are actually extremely knowledgeable about what they’re reporting? In some cases, the answer might be that they are not wearing pants, and the cooling effects of this pleases them. In some other cases, the answer is that journalists as a whole are notorious drinkers and they don’t get any more red-nosed than TV news anchors.

A Korean broadcaster recently took a page out of "The Man Who Scared a Shark to Death (and other true tales of drunken debauchery)", or so it would seem, when he went on air to provide sports commentary while soaring a little too close to the angels, drunk possibly on soju, or some comparable form of Korean white lightning. Unlike the Irishman we covered, who was suspended after heaping scorn upon his home country's team and wishing them ill in an upcoming World Cup competition, Lim Kyeong-jin, who should be considered if an international version of the Top 25 Men Who Look Like Old Lesbians is ever compiled, took it upon himself to quit the broadcast after showing up red-faced following, of all things, a celebration to herald a recent win Korea enjoyed over Japan in handball.

Lim had slept following his handball par-tay with program staff, but a lingering drunk stayed with him and by the time the veteran sportscaster was on air he was slurring his words.

The report quotes the following tight-assed Internet commenter, who evidently reflects the popular sentiment: "I understand every human makes mistakes. However, drunk reporting is not acceptable, as broadcasting is for all people of the nation.''

Nicolas Cage Suing Kathleen Turner: Cage Meet his Match?

Call it 'low talker' versus 'slow talker'. Tranny-voiced has-been Kathleen Turner has apparently got actor Nicolas Cage, (who speaks slower than a phone sex operator with a thyroid condition), in her cross hairs.

"That stupid voice of his and the fake teeth! Honestly, I cringe to think about it. He caused so many problems."

Such invectives could just as easily be tossed Paul Anka's way, but it's 'problem-generator' Cage who doesn't come off too 'Super' in Turner's forthcoming autobiography, 'Send Yourself Roses', which also notes, while we're on the subject of physical appearance, teeth, etc:

"I was no great beauty. I was a skinny woman with long legs, almost no boobs, good hair and bad teeth . . . the studio had a fake cover made for them, which was awkward. It changed my lips and the way I spoke. It was uncomfortable, too."

In the soon-to-be-released tome, (which has nothing whatsoever to do with 'View' drunkard and War of the Roses co-star Danny Devito despite its similarly efflorescent title), Turner refers to working with Burt Reynolds as 'nasty' and she even accuses the aforementioned (and fellow hairpiece aficionado) Nicolas Cage of being in trouble with the law, and being arrested twice for drunk driving. And now, it seems, Mr cage is taking the matter to the courts.

Turner herself admits a fondness for the drink, and admits to using it to dull the pain of arthritis, which in retrospect was probably a better treatment option than Vioxx.

"I discovered that vodka killed it quite wonderfully. I didn't want to take painkiller