Big Deal: Liquor Control Board of Ontario (LCBO) Switches to Paper Bags, Maintains Python-like Grip on Booze Sales

When it comes to purchasing alcoholic bevvies in our home province, there is only one game in town and that is the retail equivalent of Dodge Ball, the Liquor Control Board of Ontario (LCBO). When Ontarians speak of going to "The Beer Store", or "The Liquor Store" it is not due to some inherent Canadian fondness for speaking in generalities, but an actual trademark reflecting the incredible heights of the government's creativity.

The LCBO holds a government monopoly over the sale of alcohol. To suggest that this should be otherwise is practically a form of apostasy and categorically dismissed not only by the folks who benefit from such an arrangement (the cashiers who lug your cold ones out of storage for $29 an hour in the case of the Beer Store), but by digit waggers who believe that corner store hawkers would be less than diligent about checking for ID (kinda like R Kelly) and that society would descend into oil-drum fire burning, Hobbesian lawlessness.

Of course, these are the same folks who fail to realize that booze is actually purchased for minors by older brothers or more commonly, the guy who hangs around the parking lot who will do it if you slip him a fiver. [Editor's note: those do-gooders also believe the allure of cigarettes is so compelling to young people wandering into a corner store looking for cheese doodles, that packs of smokes should be completely hidden from view]

Along with a minority of people who are of the ludicrous belief that keeping a government monopoly in place and thus a competition level of zero in the liquor market actually ensures a better selection of booze, moves to privatize the LCBO have been stonewalled by the lobbying efforts of a union that would have made Jimmy Hoffa look like the boss's arse-kissing son.

To mitigate the natural resentment many feel towards monopolies and being treated like infants, the LCBO blows millions of taxpayer dollars making their stores look like Saks 5th Avenue outlets (unless you live in a bad neighborhood where they don't bother, and where a security guard with a baton will follow you around keeping a watchful eye on your purchase of an Antinori Chanti Classico or can of Schlitz malt liquor). To boost its public image, which is often more tarnished than Phoenician pottery, the LCBO has recently taken to fancying itself a steward of the planet.

"We try as a government to demonstrate the kind of behaviors that we want others to emulate," according to Public Infrastructure Minister David Caplan, who is responsible for the LCBO.
[Editor's note: Ontario ranks among the top polluters in North America and is number one in Canada]

According to reports, The LCBO hands out some 80 million bags a year. Now, these will be solely of the paper variety, so the transition between laying down your hard-earned $2.75 for that King can and swilling it right out of the bag on the street will be made that much easier.

Ontarians who've had to make the frozen trek to the nearest government-run liquor store or beer store in the dead of winter, polluting the air with their cars and their curses because they're unable to pick up booze at a grocery store like a normal human being, are unlikely to be too impressed by this too-little-and-too-late bid for good PR.