Da Nose Knows! The Top 10 Cocaine Songs of All Time (Part Two)

As we noted in Part One of our Top Cocaine Songs of All Time list, North American productivity would roughly equal that of South Korea if the economy comprised a completely coked out workforce.

The link between nose candy and enhanced productivity was also noted by rock stars of the 1970s, who quite correctly observed that there were only so many hours in the day for bedding groupies, sleeping off an all-nighter, and still managing to stand upright for a few hours while in a recording studio (pianists were exempt from this and could stretch out on their benches during long guitar solos).

With hourly rates for such facilities often costing in the neighborhood of a small to mid-sized sedan and producers with extraordinarily busy schedules (in that there were only so many hours in the day to bed the groupies rock stars passed over), it became imperative for these bands to maximize the time spent in a recording studio so that the 45 consecutive minutes of strumming that F chord just right with a conga back beat could be captured for posterity.

With such a hectic schedule, it's no wonder why many rock stars of the 70s (and right up to the present day), spent their on and off hours planting their kissers in powder. Notably, Steven Tyler and Joe Perry of Aerosmith became known as "The Toxic Twins", not because they were born in Buffalo's Love Canal area, but because their proboscis suctioning rivaled that of your average centrally installed vacuum. [For those curious about just how bad a performer can stink when he straightens out, click here for a sober Mr Tyler yelping his way like a Russian sled dog, through 'Amazing Grace' at a Detroit church].

Candy Cane became the key that unlocked creativity's gates, which some musicians found slammed shut as soon as they went straight, most notably, everyone we've mentioned here. Now, we bring you, the Top Five Cocaine Songs of All Time -- tunes that celebrate the white stuff not referenced on the Weather Channel, and promote the kind of lifestyle that ensured Studio 54 was never late with its rent check.

5) "Casey Jones" and "Truckin", by the Grateful Dead: These Dead songs casually mention cocaine use as part of the average work day for those in two occupations -- a train conductor and a trucker -- and we're hoping this was more fantasy than fiction. Truckers are already not the kind of people that most like to share the road with -- their egos being inflated in proportion to their rigs and requiring no further boost from chemicals. Cocaine use might, however, explain, how train conductors can crash something that sets out on a predetermined track.The Dead themselves were no strangers to being intoxicated in transit, having landed themselves on our equally controversial list "The Top 10 Drinking and Driving Songs of All Time" with their line "She takes the wheel when I'm seein' double, pays my ticket, when I speed'. The 'livin' on reds, vitamin C and cocaine" lifestyle is unlikely to feature prominently in the health and wellness section of your local bookstore alongside "You: On a Diet", or "Train your Brain to Think like a Thin Person".

“Driving that train, high on cocaine,
Casey Jones is ready, watch your speed.”

"Livin' on reds, vitamin C, and cocaine
All a friend can say is ain't it a shame?"



4) "Can't You Hear Me Knockin'", "Sister Morphine", and "Moonlight Mile", (basically the entire "Sticky Fingers" album) by the Rolling Stones: Pound for pound, or more accurately, ounce for ounce, "Sticky Fingers" is one of the most drug-addled albums ever released, with nearly half of the songs on it in some way referencing drugs either obliquely, or quite explicitly with heroin in Dead Flowers, morphine in Sister Morphine, or singing the praises of a nighttime bump in Moonlight Mile. Sticky Fingers, along with Neil Young's "Tonight's the Night" are among the most depressing albums of the 1970s, and together make the Tom Waits song catalog sound like the collected works of the Village People by comparison.

"Yeah, you got satin shoes
Yeah, you got plastic boots
Ya'll got cocaine eyes
Yeah, you got speed-freak jive"

"Sweet cousin cocaine, lay your cool cool hand on my head
Ah, come on, sister morphine, you better make up my bed"

"When the wind blows and the rain feels cold with a head full of snow, with a head full of snow"

3) Cocaine Blues (traditional, composed by Reverend Gary Davis, as performed by Bob Dylan): There are numerous songs out there that go by the name "Cocaine Blues" or a variation thereof, presumably because there was no shortage of real-life material on which to base such ditties. We're slotting two of the more prominent in our third and second spots. The first is a "traditional" song, which means that it's public domain and can therefore be burned, photocopied, recorded, dubbed over, mixed with farm animal sounds, and played over and over again on the street corner to the annoyance of everyone within 100 yards (public noise ordinances notwithstanding) -- all with copyright-infringement impunity. The Reverend Gary Davis, who, unlike Brother Horton Heat earlier in the list, actually was an ordained minister, laid down the definitive version of this one, and a young Bob Dylan added it to his repertoire. This version takes us through some of the less pleasant aspects of cocaine use -- hence the "blues" part -- including:

Any pretense to romance going out the window:

You take Sally, an’ I’ll take Sue,
Ain't nah difference between the two.
Cocaine all around my brain.

Unpleasant physical effects:

Hey baby, you better come here quick,
This old cocaine ‘bout to make me sick.
Cocaine all around my brain.

And one quite bizarre veterinary notion:

Cocaine's for horses and it's not for men,
Doctor said it kill you, but he didn’t say when.
Cocaine all around my brain.

2) Cocaine Blues, (traditional, as performed by Johnny Cash): The second of our public domain songs (go ahead and record this one on YouTube using a butt kazoo and a ukulele for all the record companies care) was first known by the far more ominous sounding name "Transfusion Blues", but popularized as Cocaine Blues by none other than the Man in Black (especially after Labor Day) Johnny Cash. This was one of the songs that Cash sang at Folsom Prison that no doubt had the guards ruining underwear while wondering whether they would soon have a riot on their hands. This super-charged song tells the story of Willie Lee, a "hack", which we presume means either a prison guard or cop, as a reporter for a schlock newspaper wouldn't be as cool, who takes a shot of cocaine and shoots his cheating woman down. He then flees to Mexico, but is apprehended, put before a jury of "12 honest men" and sentenced to "99 years in the Folsom Pen". By the end the convicted prisoner advises his fellows to stay off the cocaine, not to murder, mind you, but to avoid the cocaine; he seems ok about the murdering your wife part.

The judge he smiled as he picked up his pen
99 years in the Folsom pen
99 years underneath that ground
I can't forget the day I shot that bad bitch down
Come on you've gotta listen unto me
lay off that whiskey and let that cocaine be

1) "Cocaine", by J.J. Cale: Don't be fooled by Clapton's fatigued version, this gem penned by J.J. Cale (a man to whom Slow Hand arguably owes his entire career) is in our estimation, the definitive blizzard ditty. Clapton is quoted on Wikipedia as having once said that “Cocaine” is actually an anti-cocaine song. If you study it or look at it with a little bit of thought... from a distance... or as it goes by… it just sounds like a song about cocaine. But in actual fact, it is quite cleverly anti-cocaine.” Being that Clapton didn't write this song, this opinion is about as valuable as the answer you'd get if you asked the Byrds what they were thinking when they came up with "Mr. Tambourine Man". Defending his position, Clapton mentions the lyric, "If you wanna get down, down on the ground; cocaine" to demonstrate that the song is anti-coke. He doesn't mention though that every other lyric in the song could feature in the text of a Colombian drug-runner's spring/fall catalogue:

If you want to hang out, you've got to take her out, cocaine
She don't lie, she don't lie, she don't lie, cocaine
If you got bad news, you want to kick them blues, cocaine
When your day is done and you got to run, cocaine
She don't lie, she don't lie, she don't lie, cocaine
If your thing is gone and you want to ride on, cocaine
Dont forget this fact, you cant get it back, cocaine
She dont lie, she dont lie, she don't lie, cocaine

Honorable and Dishonorable Mentions:

As always with these lists, there were more contenders than there were places in the Top 10. Here we've selected some other songs that could just as easily have made it up with their nostril-thrilling brethren above. Since there are Kid Rock fans out there, and quite possibly a fan of the Libertines might still be drawing air, we will let you determine which of these deserves an honorable or dishonorable badge. Click on the title of the song for the YouTube link:

Never Change by Jay-Z

We run streets like drunks run street lights
We collidin' with life as we speak
We knee-deep in coke, we keep deep in ice
We flood streets with dope, we keep weed to smoke

Snowblind by Black Sabbath

What you get and what you see Things that don’t come easily Feeling happy in my vein Icicles within my brain (cocaine)

Cocaine by The Game

I got the cane and the O’s, dawg
I’m gangsta like Hennesy and Alizay, thug passion
Ride or die ‘til they kill me and put me in thug’s mansion

No Thing on Me (Cocaine Song) by Curtis Mayfield:

Twinkling twinkling grains
They do all sorts of things
While your inner mind is pleased
Your conscience is only teased...

What a Waster by The Libertines

So tell me, where does all the money go? Where does all the money go?
Straight, straight up her nose

Picture, Kid Rock:

Been fuellin' up on cocaine and whiskey
Wish I had a good girl to miss me

CLICK HERE FOR PART ONE OF THE TOP 10 COCAINE SONGS OF ALL TIME

Da Nose Knows! The Top 10 Cocaine Songs of all Time! (Part One)

Given the theme of our book, "The Man Who Scared a Shark to Death and Other True Tales of Drunken Debauchery" (also newly available at Barnes and Noble, Tower Books, and other fine retailers), we here at the SharkGuys.com have focused most of our postings on that most legal of intoxicants, booze.

But does that mean that we are against other substances that are capable of lifting one from this mundane world into a place that is much improved by chemicals, or that we would cast aspersions on those who enjoy the pleasures of say mescaline, or a bite at the ole gypsum weed (you can remember the effects of the latter using this handy mnemonic device courtesy of Wikipedia: "blind as a bat, mad as a hatter, red as a beet, hot as hell, dry as a bone, the bowel and bladder lose their tone, and the heart runs alone")? Of course not.

And what do you do after a night on the lager when you feel as if one more beer will leave you putting on a colorful display of emotion over the nearest gutter? Well, if you are in a place that has the right level of sleaze, you can simply wink to some likely individual and enjoy a line off the back of your house key in some dank alley. Spirits lifted, the night can go on.

Cocaine of course has had a significant impact on popular music. While booze is far more likely to result in sloppy work and an unsightly beer gut in middle age, coke leaves you wired enough to ensure that you will produce a whole lot of something, and thus ups the odds that you will actually produce something good.

Keith Richards may have fallen out of a tree in Fiji while out of his gourd on other than vitamin supplements, but he is what rock n' roll is all about: debauchery. And, while a sober Eric Clapton was quoted as saying, "I hate listening to my old records, which I did stoned or drunk,"he’s alone in that camp as most fans of his music hate listening to anything that he’s done straight.

Keith Richards entire career, Neil Young’s coked out performance at “The Last Waltz”, Stevie Nicks having built up such a tolerance to cocaine that she had to have it blown up her rectum to get a high (this never happened, apparently, but is nonetheless one of the more entertaining urban legends), cocaine use is an integral part of the rock-star lifestyle. It’s what young boys dream about: One day, if I practice enough and work on perfecting my skills as a singer-songwriter, I too will be able to snort cocaine off of the breasts of a vacant-eyed stripper whose name I’ll forget before I’m back on the tour bus and liquidating a savings account by mobile phone to settle debts with unsavory characters.

Here we have compiled a list of the Top 10 Cocaine Songs of all time -- songs about, influenced by, and more than likely written on clouds of Peruvian marching powder:

10) "Bales of Cocaine", by The Reverend Horton Heat: In this one, the good Reverend regales us with the modern day parable of a farmer out in his field pulling corn and carrots "when two low-flying aeroplanes, 'bout a hundred feet high/dropped a bunch o' bales o' somethin', some hit me in the eye". The farmer cuts the bales open and notices a mysterious powder inside. Being a rube, for whom presumably white lightnin' is still the biggest thrill in town, he has no idea what it is and brings it to his "Crazy Brother Joe": "He sniffed it up and kicked his heels, said, 'Horton, that's some blow!'" Our lucky farming friend then heads into Dallas, becomes a millionaire by selling his find, ditches his farm in Texas and buys another in Peru. Think of it like the Bill Paxton movie "A Simple Plan", only a whole lot happier and without Billy Bob Thornton in the role of a mouth-breather. We can safely assume that at some later point in this farmer's life the drug dealers whose fortune he stole would have tracked him down and introduced him to the latest in Columbian necktie attire, however, for taking a different angle on the cocaine song and for its appreciation of the entrepreneurial spirit, we salute the Reverend Horton Heat and include "Bales of Cocaine" on our Top 10 Cocaine Songs of All Time list:

Bales of cocaine, fallin' from low-flyin' plane
I don't know who done dropped 'em, but I thank 'em just the same
Bales of cocaine, fallin' like a foreign rain
My life changed completely by the low-flyin' planes

9) "Lit up" by Buckcherry: This is a song that needs to wipe its nose before returning to the dinner table. With two founding members who met in a tattoo parlor and bonded over their mutual love of AC/DC, Buckcherry exemplifies the type of hard rockin' lifestyle that has enriched many a well-connected roadie. A song meant more for the mosh-pit than for lyrical analysis, this one is interesting though for the number of places in which the narrator gets "lit up". They include: a plane, his couch, his bed, on a train and backstage somewhere with a groupie knocking, "Crack the door for the curious girl cuz she's waitin' she's been waitin'..." And fulfilling the age-old maxim that all bands who look like this will eventually do something that reminds one of Spinal Tap, we get a replay of the classic, "It goes up to 11" bit of dialogue in the following bit of verse: "I'm in touch love, from this crutch/Well you're on ten but buddy I'm on eleven".

"I'm on a plane With cocaine And yes I'm all lit up again"

8) "My Michelle" by Guns 'n' Roses: "I don't do cocaine anymore. Well, only occasionally," GNR guitarist Slash, 1992. Long before the band broke up and Axl Rose set about attempting to strangle whatever bit of fan support they had with the "Chinese Democracy" debacle, the Gunners were at the forefront of cocaine-fueled hard rock with Appetite For Destruction, and "My Michelle" was one of their best. The Michelle in the song actually existed. She knew the band and asked Axl to pen a tune for her. She did not get "Sweet Child Of Mine" treatment. This one tells a story of a hard-living woman whose "daddy works in porno/Now that mommy's not around/She used to love her heroin/but now she's in the ground." The song and the real-life story both have a happy ending, as, according to Slash's biography (which would no doubt require a snort of something illicit to get through), Michelle has since moved across the country and cleaned up her act.

"So you stay out late at night And you do your coke for free Drivin' your friends crazy With your life's insanity"

7) "That Smell" by Lynyrd Skynyrd: Though better known for penning that motet Sweet Home Alabama, heard if a case of Amstel Light, a $150 Yamaha guitar, a group of white people, or a campfire are within a 100-yard radius, Skynyrd is also known for this thoroughly unpleasantly titled opus: 'What's that smell?' being one of the worst questions you can ever hear uttered, along with 'Is anyone here a vegetarian?' A well-worn refrain when it comes to the rock 'n' roll lifestyle, members of the band were killed by over-consumption, but in this case, it was of fuel, at least according to the National Transportation Safety Board, who determined this caused their plane to take a nosedive into a Mississippi forest. This song references an earlier and less-killing crash involving guitarist Gary Rossington, whiskey, coke and an oak tree that would just not get out of the way.

"Whiskey bottles, and brand new cars
Oak tree you're in my way
There's too much coke and too much smoke
Look what's going on inside you

6) "Life in the Fast Lane", by The Eagles
With an obstructed view concert ticket to one of their performances costing in the range of your average eight-ball, The Eagles certainly know a thing or two about life in the fast lane, a song inspired by a road trip Glenn Frey took with a dealer named 'The Count'. In 'Hotel California', (a song so ubiquitous you can be wandering the rugged mountains of northern Laos and hear a villager who's otherwise had no contact with modernity, humming a few bars) there were 'mirrors were on the ceiling', and in this song, their paean to hard-living, they served a dual purpose other than a means to admire your feather mullet and creepy mustache.

"They threw outrageous parties, they paid heavenly bills
There were lines on the mirror, lines on her face"

CLICK HERE FOR PART TWO -- THE TOP FIVE COCAINE SONGS OF ALL TIME!

Drunk graffiti artist all washed up... and The Joker's Wild Life: Heath Ledger

[From the recently spit-shined, mahogany editor's desk:


This morning, we figured we'd steer clear of commenting on the early demise of the talented Heath Ledger as revelling in the morbid is more the province of the folks over at The Darwin Awards. So, we figured we'd focus on a different Australian-themed story, a 'near death' one in this case.



Hip hop is universal and responsible for much of the pop culture we do our best to shield our eyes from on a daily basis, ideally, with a ball cap pulled way down and a hoodie.

It's given us, among other things: over-sized duds for fat and non-fat alike, athletic footwear thrown onto overhead wires to mark drug territory (a stern warning against crack dealers bold enough to ply their trade in penny loafers) and seizure inducing ditties.

Purists often cite the four pillars that prop up the Temple of Hip Hop, which include DJing (of the type not done at your cousin's Bar Mitzvah when a drunk uncle yells out for 'Hotel California'), emceeing, breakin' (not advisable beyond, let's say, the age of 25, or for anyone with lower back problems) and of course-- graffiti.

A piss drunk Australian graffiti artist who might've been overcome by the fumes of his art or vandalism, depending on your aesthetic sensibilities, and inside a storm water drain no less (presumably so that the surf could wash out his aerosol handiwork, Etch-a-Sketch-style) was rescued when he himself was swept out into the bay and nearly drowned.

In eastern Sydney, teens with a nose for trouble and one that's apparently lost its olfactory powers too, have been known to body board, or "sewer-slide", inside the drain when there is no surf.

According to a local witness, "The young kids from the area are always in the drain every weekend. I don't understand what the fascination is."