Tossed Beer Can KOs Loud-Dressing Country Star Pat Green
From where we sit, Nascar seems like it’s all about drinking beer while screaming your head off, while agreeing during more somber moments that Dale Earnhardt was a saint who walked the earth and we’ll never see his likes again on this terrestrial sphere. It seems like good fun – apart from that last bit – and preferable to Indy Racing with its loud noise and endless confusing laps of cars whipping by while you struggle to steady your drink from the vibrations.
We’ve never attended a Nascar event, but we’re guessing that if you were to look for a beer at one, you wouldn’t have too much difficulty tracking one down. This is doubly true if you’re performing in front of a Nascar audience. Presumably you’d get a cooler full.
Inviting projectiles from the audience at any concert ever could be suicidal – indeed, if he regularly dresses like he does in the attached photo, one can picture attending his concerts with a basket brimming with tomatoes at the ready – but to ask for beer from an audience chock full of people drinking so much that piles of tins collect at their feet, well that’s just a step beyond.
Green got his wish. One audience member tossed him a beer – the one he saw coming – and another was fired in immediately after, beaning the new country singer right between the eyes and knocking him out cold. The concert was concluded, the beer, presumably, unopened.
This week, we mourn the passing of a soul legend, whose output in the early 60s alone, would've been enough to launch him into the Rock 'n' Roll Hall of Fame.
I'd go a step further and say "I Thank You" is enough to put him in the Hall. Hell, if Bon Jovi memorabilia is good enough to collect dust, (and with any luck get eaten by species of Tineola bisselliella), I.H. deserves his own damn wing, can you dig it?
The Hayes-penned hit, "I Thank You", as performed by Sam & Dave and later given a Jeffrey Dahmer-like treatment by ZZ Top (as well as those dollar-store Jersey Rockers), starts off with a sick drum pattern, eighth notes accented on every third beat, before this pulpit requisition:
"I want everybody to get up off your seat And get your arms together, and your hands together And give me some of that o-o-old soul clapping," followed by a leering octave bass run punctuated by glorious horns.
[see below]
Hold On! I'm a Comin', rather than referring to anything sexually suggestive, was co-written by Hayes when writing partner Dave Porter was taking an inordinate length of time in the bathroom. Thankfully, for the history of soul music, Porter didn't call out "Man, I think I ate something funny" instead. In my estimation, the opening horns in this tune are rivaled only by Knock on Wood or In the Midnight Hour, by Wilson Pickett as some of the greatest horn riffs of all time. Here they are back to back.
We've all heard Soul Man, so here's another 'Soul' classic, Soul Sister, Brown Sugar, another S&D hit from this period, with a propulsive bass line similar to 'I Thank You' with start & stop horns and luscious high harmonies.
Finally, here's the wah-guitar funk-tastic 'Shaft', which life (or God, take your pick) gave to Hayes, taking him from us far too young.
We’ve blogged on occasion about the infamous drink and dial – that decision to call someone in the middle of the night and share with them the penetrating truths that have come to you after half a bottle of Jack Daniels and three keg stands. Who doesn’t enjoy getting a call at 3am from someone who is ready either to take you for an unwanted drunken stumble down nostalgia lane, or to tell you that they just figured out what went wrong in your relationship and, surprise, surprise, the blame does not lie with the lush making the call.
In our tome of drunken exploits, “The Man Who Scared a Shark To Death: And Other True Tales of Drunken Debauchery,” we chronicle the tale of quite possibly the oldest immature drunk dialer, a 52-year-old Danish man who was playing with his toy ships in the bath when he decided to phone the local sea rescue unit and inform them that one of his ships was in danger of capsizing. They actually sent rescue boats to look for the sinking ship... He had to pay a hefty fine for the lark. We also mention in the book Virgin Mobile Australia’s plan to combat drink dialing by allowing their users to ban all incoming calls from suspect drink-dialers between the hours of 12am-6pm. It’s a good plan.
As much as we’ve written about the drink-and-dial, and as many such calls as we’ve made, we have yet to put the phenomenon to a tune. (Editor’s Note: We are, however, working on a Jerky Boys-like album of crank calls in which we phone up bars that don’t serve food and get increasingly testy with them when they refuse to take our lunch orders. “Alright, ya goof, ya gotta pen? Ok, one pastrami on rye… What? What do you mean you don’t got food?” Recording companies interested in distributing this for us should email either of the authors directly via the contacts page.)
Ed Harcourt, an up-and-coming singer/songwriter (he’s the guy in the photo for those who thought he might be a drunk-dialer we're having trouble with), has found a novel way to get a persistent drunk-dialer off his back. Rather than subscribe to a service like the one mentioned above, he’s recorded, “You Only Call Me When You’re Drunk” (listen to full song here), which should not be confused with the Pet Shop Boys prequel to this song -- before the relationship completely deteriorated -- “You Only Tell Me You Love Me When You’re Drunk,” (or their ode to that uncle who's a little too hands-on for comfort during the holidays, “Your Funny Uncle”).
Harcourt’s been getting some calls from a “deplorable old friend, somewhere in the East end,” and the song is his gentle request for his buddy to screw off and let him get a good night’s sleep because he has work in the morning and his buddy may or may not live in the park. One wonders if Harcourt hasn’t placed a few of these wee-small-hours-of-the-morning calls himself; he writes like someone who knows the challenges: "I guess you have me on speed-dial/for your eyesight is too blurred, to text me any words.”
The song starts off slow and in the kind of mood you'd be in if you picked up the phone while still half-asleep and confused as to who the hell could be calling at such a godforsaken hour, then it picks up in pitch and ferocity and takes on a more operatic quality. This is one call too many and it's time he sobers his buddy up with some home truths. They used to be close friends, cursing the local rich boys and committing acts of costly, albeit righteous, vandalism -- "As dreamers we'd scream all the songs/we'd known all our lives off the roofs of the city bankers/ break in the windows, burn all the documents/Rich daddy's boys!" -- now though his buddy has become an energy drain, a nuisance who is more trouble than the nostalgia is worth. Like many drunk-dialers he's gripped by the wanderlust and when the bars are closed, he picks up the phone to continue the adventure, "You only call me when you're drunk/Cursing down the phone, you can't stand being alone."
But for the guy who has yet to sever all connections to civilized society, it's time to hang up. He tells him, "Give all your sadness a last embrace/Turn up sober at my place, we'll talk about it face to face." And that's one call the drunken friend is unlikely to make.
Loud Music in Bars Linked to Increased Drinking: Health Files from the Drawer Marked 'Obvious'
The presence of a bunch of clipboard wielding scientists blocking access to the bar, is apparently not enough to dissuade people from drinking, according to a new study in which it was determined after much scrutiny of the data (and noting that the sky above is a shade of blue) that people tend to drink more where the music is louder.
Over the course of three weekends French researchers were able to marry work and pleasure by frittering away grant money on what is patently obvious to anyone who's ever sidled up to a bar and thought to themselves, 'you know what? this place would be a hell of a lot more fun if there was a live band, or at the very least, a stereo'. According to researchers at the University of Southern Brittany, 'environmental music played in a bar is associated with an increase in drinking', and while we're not sure what this means exactly, it might refer to Al Gore sitting in with the house band playing a carbon negative stand up bass.
Now, we've done comparable research ourselves, but had to fund it out of pocket and call it a tab when we came up with our Top 10 Bar Songs of All Time, a list which we highly recommend. And if you're ever in a bar where a bunch of eggheads are trying to spoil your good time, buy 'em a round and crank these to oblivion.
25 Horrible Bands Named after Places: Music from Hell and Elsewhere
Much like hypertension or obesity are predictors for cardiovascular disease, geography is a measure for determining whether a band's music will make you want to cover your ears.
Before you start penning a terse letter to your city councilor, we're not referring specifically to where a band might be from, but one whose name is geographic in origin.
Now, there is no question, there are a handful of talented place-derived bands in genres other than rock/pop. These include punk bands UK Subs, New York Dolls and MC5, soul bands like the Sugarhill Gang and the Ohio Players, not to mention traditional acts like the Blind Boys of Alabama or the Clinch Mountain Boys. However, with few exceptions, the vast majority of rock/pop bands at least, whose names reference a particular place are overwhelmingly and unspeakably awful. There are several reasons for this. First, if you're feeling less than creative when coming up with a band name, say, Julius & the Epileptic Caesars is already taken, the first thing that may spring to mind after a failed bid by the drummer to name the band after himself (The Tommy Hitzenberger Three), is a particular land mass or continent---especially if you were excited about tectonic plates in high school geography class.
Second, some bands are filled with a great sense of civic pride. The Doors, for example, whose version of Alabama Song received kudos in our Top 10 'Bar' Songs of All Time would famously be introduced: 'From Los Angeles, California, the Doors'. If an announcer isn't available, or for some reason your band doesn't believe in loosening up a potentially hostile crowd with whimsical banter, naming yourselves after a particular city works as this removes any doubt as to where you're from for future 'why don't you go back to __________ ?' heckling.
And thirdly, there are several bands, who for whatever reason, likely because they're fond of anything and everything ironic [see the book/site, Stuff White People Like: The Definitive Guide to the Unique Taste of Millions and for Sharkguy Chris's review of said book in this past weekend's Globe and Mail click here] go out of their way to name themselves after somewhere they're NOT from. Perhaps you'll find them on our next list, that is, if they have enough staying power and a big enough fan base to extend beyond Brooklyn or Chapel Hill.
Here, alphabetically then, is an in no way definitive list, (as awful acts sporting geographic monikers are sprouting up literally everywhere as we write this), of 25 of the most notable, and quite horrendous bands with geographic names.
1. Alabama: Not coincidentally, as far as your ears are concerned, this band hails from Fort Payne and brought us Christian Rock-like crossover hits like Dixieland Delight, proving that a taste for piss-poor country translates to a lousy taste in MOR pop.
2. All Saints: after All Saints Road, London. Pure Brit blasphemy
3. America: Their songs have elevated people, but unfortunately only in the context of entering, and pressing your floor. America's big hit 'Horse with No Name' is often mis-attributed to Neil Young--a guy who'd never pen anything like this. I mean, what good is a horse going to do in the desert? That's what camels are for.
4. Asia: A wretched prog-rock outfit whose keyboards were so large they'd likely need to be hauled off by Hercules jets.
5. Backstreet Boys, after Back Street Market, a shopping area in Orlando, Florida. If you name your band after a shopping area, what more can be said, other than your tunes will provide musical accompaniment to mall teen loitering. As far as their Youtube videos are concerned, embedding has been disabled by request, and not by us either. A big thank you to whoever that was.
6. Bay City Rollers: According to legend, the Scottish 'Rollers' threw a dart at a map of the continental US and landed upon Bay City, Michigan. At least they really did put Bay City on the map.
7. Boston : Thankfully, a band that only puts out an album every decade. Right now, a radio station somewhere, is spinning More Than a Feeling and there's not a damn thing we can do about it, though we've mulled over every legal option.
8. Bush, after Shepherd's Bush, a district of London. The best thing this moribund outfit did, was attach itself by marriage to a successful one, Gwen Stafani/No Doubt
9. Chicago, after the city of Chicago (originally Chicago Transit Authority). Touted for their musicianship, horn section, as well as their consummate blandness, Chicago is one of the longest running and most successful U.S. pop/rock and roll groups of all time, something more difficult to grasp conceptually, than String Theory.
10. Chilliwack, after the town of Chilliwack in British Columbia, Canada. Their song 'My Girl', is not even among the top ten best songs called 'My Girl'. They've been 'gone gone gone so long' and hopefully there aren't any signs of an imminent return.
11. Danzig is the German name for the Polish city of Gdańsk, though the band got its name by way of Glenn Danzig. Either way, drift your eyes left, and you'll get a pretty good indication of what you're dealing with.
12. Europe was a living, breathing and sucking embodiment of the phrase 'all sizzle, no steak', and the sizzle in question here was hardly enough to start even a modest grease fire, however striking a match anywhere near any of the band members' noggins might have.
13. Hedley, after the town of Hedley, British Columbia, Canada. Hedley is one of the countless acts featuring songs under 3 minutes, lots of screaming, Major Key power chords, a bunch of skinny guys, spiky hair, tattoos, wallets on chains, and other signifiers of North American suburbia.
14. Kansas: Kansas is known for two epics, Carry on My Wayward Son and Dust in the Wind, that are no doubt being cranked to oblivion in an El Camino right now, somewhere between northern Maine and southern California, with air guitar accompaniment.
15. Linkin Park, after a park (now known as ChristineReedPark) in Santa Monica, California (spelling was changed from Lincoln to Linkin because the domain name lincolnpark.com was unavailable). One of the many 90s bands who merged hip hop and metal, a musical marriage more doomed than the nuptials of Liza Minnelli and that overtly gay guy whose name escapes us.
16. London Beat. When we listen to this, we can't help but think they deserve a good beat-ing. Actually, this could be its own category, as just about every band with London in its title is awful. Due to space restrictions, they're not listed here.
17. The Manhattan Transfer, after John Dos Passos's novel Manhattan Transfer, which is in turn named after the Manhattan Transfer train station in New York City, and this is all you need to know about them, trust us. Disclaimer: some really really bad dancing here
18. Marcy Playground, after the playground of MarcyOpenSchool in Minneapolis. The band achieved success ten years ago with Sex & Candy, middling 90s Nirvana-lite, sans shotgun blast.
19. Mannheim Steamroller, Mannheim Germany. We almost hate to do this to you good people, who were kind enough to stop by and enjoy our list, but here it is. The Steamroller doing a rock instrumental version of 'Joy to the World'. One of us has been to Mannheim, a lovely city, and it pains us to see the musical atrocities committed in its name.
20. Miami Sound Machine. This band helped launch Gloria Estefan, but not in a good way, like out the window of a sufficiently tall building.
21. Nazareth, after the city of Nazareth. Famous for a vocalist, who, like Axl Rose of Guns 'n' Roses sounds like Edith from All in the Family, they were known for this ballad, which is uglier than twinned cow arses, Love Hurts. Listening to this, it's clear something hurts, though it isn't love. They're also known for choice lyrics: Love is like a flame, It burns you when its hot
The above prompts the question, when is a flame not hot? Is there some aspect of fire we're missing here?
22. O-Town, after a common nickname for Orlando, Florida. Not to be confused with, the Big-O, an experience quite opposite to what you'd feel after having to endure any of this craptacular act's hits.
23. Rascal Flatts, after a geological formation in Oklahoma. Rascal Flatts is an embodiment of what country music, unfortunately, has become: your nouveau riche uncle who's moved out to the burbs and bought a speedboat that he likes to show off and needs musical accompaniment. Rascal Flatts are about as far removed from real country, as The Olive Garden is from a trattoria in Palermo.
24. Styx. Nitpickers might point out that this is a mythological place, but this doesn't take away from the fact that if there is a Day of Reckoning, these guys will have a lot to answer for, musically speaking. [see below]
25. The Village People, Greenwich Village, NYC. One good thing that can be said about them, is that unlike everyone else on this list, they never took themselves too seriously.
'Cover' your Ears! The 10 Worst Bon Jovi Cover Versions of All Time
Bon Jovi's baffling popularity has continued unabated for two decades now, as this weekend's Central Park concert shows, however in our minds, there is nobody more deserving of both a solid punt to the arse, or a safe dropped on them from a sufficient height, than these crap-rock poster boys, whose music is so middle of the road, their tour bus should have its own dedicated lane.
If only we could lace 'em up and kick 'em when they're down, but they're never down, churning out the same Springsteen-lite cacophony year after year.
To honor the band, and also in the spirit of celebrating the worst of everything, we've decided to put together a tribute, of sorts, to Bon Jovi, the world’s mostfamous Bruce Springsteen tribute band/wimp rock quartet.
Unlike some bands, the core group has remained relatively intact. This has enabled the Jersey boys with Swiss watch- like reliability, to consistently put out unspeakably awful music year after year.
The sole exception of course, the booting bass player Alec John Such (the 'soul' of the group in that he sported soul patch facial hair), because he ‘couldn’t play his instrument’—a requirement obviously forgotten as few of the remaining members actually know how to play theirs (with the exception being David Bryan, the band’s keyboard player, who actually trained at the Juilliard School of Music, and judging by his current gig tickling the ivories with the Jersey dunder-heads, is about as overqualified as the 'Ice Man' Chuck Liddell doing security detail at a Girl Scouts Jamboree)
Their intrepid leader Jon Bon Jovi, of course, is Bruce Springsteen— if Bruce had a tin ear, Meg Ryan’s hairstylist, and penned gems like ‘Tomorrow's getting harder make no mistake, Luck ain't even lucky’ instead of great songs like Born to Run, Highway Patrolman or Thunder Road.
It is not hyperbole to say that BJ represents everything wrong with modern music, or at least, modern horticultural hair band music that became more bankrupt, creatively speaking, than Bear Stearns, and peaked around oh, 1987, unbeknownst to the band.
Bon Jovi is a church-basement rummage sale clearing house version of The Boss. Their ‘rock-lite’ is more sanitized than a trauma burn unit and their Forest Gump libretti induces more projectile vomiting than the elimination round at a chili eating contest. If this wasn't enough, and from our vantage point here it certainly is, their news anchor bobs will guarantee they’re a shoe-in for the next installment of ‘Old Men who Look Like Lesbians’.
The only thing worse than an actual Bon Jovi song, however, is Bon Jovi doing a version of someone else’s, automatically better original. Worse still, would be someone actually COVERING a Bon Jovi song, but to the best of our knowledge, the likelihood of this occurring is about as probable as a meteor the size of the state of New Jersey striking the earth.
Since their own music wasn’t bad enough, here is Bon Jovi doing what they do best—spilling their own REO Speedwagon / Journey / Three Dog Night / Springsteen-lite effluent on some of the world’s most well-beloved songs. Luckily for all concerned, these are so popular that nobody would mistake them for Bon Jovi originals and mislead any future generations. Here, in no particular order, because the pork rendering plant stench emanating from each, is indistinguishable from the other, is our 10 Worst Bon Jovi Covers of All Time:
10. Save the Last Dance for Me, Pomus and Shuman. Among the 'better' song on this list, only in the sense that it's better to have testicular cancer than say, lung. The presence of Willy Deville's voice means fewer verses for JBJ
9. You Were Always on My Mind Willie Nelson. Since his battle with the IRS, legendary Willie Nelson seems contractually obligated to work with just about anyone, and unfortunately this includes the Bon Jovi frontman
8. Rockin' in the Free World, Neil Young.This 'free world' musically speaking, is more like a police state run by a strong-armed military junta
7. Hallelujah, Leonard Cohen. The second piece of Canadiana desecrated by the Garden State purveyors of garden-variety pop rock, that neither pops nor rocks.
6. I Thank You, Hayes & Porter, as performed by Sam & Dave. Debasing the Stax Records legacy
5. Not Fade Away, Buddy Holly & Norman Petty, made famous by Buddy Holly & the Crickets.Contrary to the wishes of music fans, Bon Jovi have been living up to the title
4. Fever Eddie Cooley & John Davenport, made famous by Peggy Lee A rectal thermometer would fail to detect any heat emanating from this lukewarm version.
3. Twist & Shout by Phil Medley & Bert Russell, made famous by the Isley Brothers and the Fab Four. If the Isley Brothers got wind of this, they'd commit fratricide.
2. Help by Lennon & McCartney. This is beyond 'Help'. If Paul McCartney heard this, he'd pummel Jon Bon with Heather Mills' peg leg
1. R.E.S.P.E.C.T.by Otis Redding, made famous by Aretha Franklin Bon Jovi's ironic, disrespectful take on Redding's classic
The link between nose candy and enhanced productivity was also noted by rock stars of the 1970s, who quite correctly observed that there were only so many hours in the day for bedding groupies, sleeping off an all-nighter, and still managing to stand upright for a few hours while in a recording studio (pianists were exempt from this and could stretch out on their benches during long guitar solos).
With hourly rates for such facilities often costing in the neighborhood of a small to mid-sized sedan and producers with extraordinarily busy schedules (in that there were only so many hours in the day to bed the groupies rock stars passed over), it became imperative for these bands to maximize the time spent in a recording studio so that the 45 consecutive minutes of strumming that F chord just right with a conga back beat could be captured for posterity.
With such a hectic schedule, it's no wonder why many rock stars of the 70s (and right up to the present day), spent their on and off hours planting their kissers in powder. Notably, Steven Tyler and Joe Perry of Aerosmith became known as "The Toxic Twins", not because they were born in Buffalo's Love Canal area, but because their proboscis suctioning rivaled that of your average centrally installed vacuum. [For those curious about just how bad a performer can stink when he straightens out, click here for a sober Mr Tyler yelping his way like a Russian sled dog, through 'Amazing Grace' at a Detroit church].
Candy Cane became the key that unlocked creativity's gates, which some musicians found slammed shut as soon as they went straight, most notably, everyone we've mentioned here. Now, we bring you, the Top Five Cocaine Songs of All Time -- tunes that celebrate the white stuff not referenced on the Weather Channel, and promote the kind of lifestyle that ensured Studio 54 was never late with its rent check.
5)"Casey Jones"and"Truckin", by the Grateful Dead: These Dead songs casually mention cocaine use as part of the average work day for those in two occupations -- a train conductor and a trucker -- and we're hoping this was more fantasy than fiction. Truckers are already not the kind of people that most like to share the road with -- their egos being inflated in proportion to their rigs and requiring no further boost from chemicals. Cocaine use might, however, explain, how train conductors can crash something that sets out on a predetermined track.The Dead themselves were no strangers to being intoxicated in transit, having landed themselves on our equally controversial list "The Top 10 Drinking and Driving Songs of All Time" with their line "She takes the wheel when I'm seein' double, pays my ticket, when I speed'. The 'livin' on reds, vitamin C and cocaine" lifestyle is unlikely to feature prominently in the health and wellness section of your local bookstore alongside "You: On a Diet", or "Train your Brain to Think like a Thin Person".
“Driving that train, high on cocaine, Casey Jones is ready, watch your speed.”
"Livin' on reds, vitamin C, and cocaine All a friend can say is ain't it a shame?"
4) "Can't You Hear Me Knockin'", "Sister Morphine", and "Moonlight Mile",(basically the entire "Sticky Fingers" album)by the Rolling Stones: Pound for pound, or more accurately, ounce for ounce, "Sticky Fingers" is one of the most drug-addled albums ever released, with nearly half of the songs on it in some way referencing drugs either obliquely, or quite explicitly with heroin in Dead Flowers, morphine in Sister Morphine, or singing the praises of a nighttime bump in Moonlight Mile. Sticky Fingers, along with Neil Young's "Tonight's the Night" are among the most depressing albums of the 1970s, and together make the Tom Waits song catalog sound like the collected works of the Village People by comparison.
"Yeah, you got satin shoes Yeah, you got plastic boots Ya'll got cocaine eyes Yeah, you got speed-freak jive" "Sweet cousin cocaine, lay your cool cool hand on my head Ah, come on, sister morphine, you better make up my bed" "When the wind blows and the rain feels cold with a head full of snow, with a head full of snow"
3) Cocaine Blues (traditional, composed by Reverend Gary Davis, as performed by Bob Dylan): There are numerous songs out there that go by the name "Cocaine Blues" or a variation thereof, presumably because there was no shortage of real-life material on which to base such ditties. We're slotting two of the more prominent in our third and second spots. The first is a "traditional" song, which means that it's public domain and can therefore be burned, photocopied, recorded, dubbed over, mixed with farm animal sounds, and played over and over again on the street corner to the annoyance of everyone within 100 yards (public noise ordinances notwithstanding) -- all with copyright-infringement impunity. The Reverend Gary Davis, who, unlike Brother Horton Heat earlier in the list, actually was an ordained minister, laid down the definitive version of this one, and a young Bob Dylan added it to his repertoire. This version takes us through some of the less pleasant aspects of cocaine use -- hence the "blues" part -- including:
Any pretense to romance going out the window:
You take Sally, an’ I’ll take Sue, Ain't nah difference between the two. Cocaine all around my brain.
Unpleasant physical effects:
Hey baby, you better come here quick, This old cocaine ‘bout to make me sick. Cocaine all around my brain.
And one quite bizarre veterinary notion:
Cocaine's for horses and it's not for men, Doctor said it kill you, but he didn’t say when. Cocaine all around my brain.
2) Cocaine Blues, (traditional, as performed by Johnny Cash): The second of our public domain songs (go ahead and record this one on YouTube using a butt kazoo and a ukulele for all the record companies care) was first known by the far more ominous sounding name "Transfusion Blues", but popularized as Cocaine Blues by none other than the Man in Black (especially after Labor Day) Johnny Cash. This was one of the songs that Cash sang at Folsom Prison that no doubt had the guards ruining underwear while wondering whether they would soon have a riot on their hands. This super-charged song tells the story of Willie Lee, a "hack", which we presume means either a prison guard or cop, as a reporter for a schlock newspaper wouldn't be as cool, who takes a shot of cocaine and shoots his cheating woman down. He then flees to Mexico, but is apprehended, put before a jury of "12 honest men" and sentenced to "99 years in the Folsom Pen". By the end the convicted prisoner advises his fellows to stay off the cocaine, not to murder, mind you, but to avoid the cocaine; he seems ok about the murdering your wife part.
The judge he smiled as he picked up his pen 99 years in the Folsom pen 99 years underneath that ground I can't forget the day I shot that bad bitch down Come on you've gotta listen unto me lay off that whiskey and let that cocaine be
1) "Cocaine", by J.J. Cale: Don't be fooled by Clapton's fatigued version, this gem penned by J.J. Cale (a man to whom Slow Hand arguably owes his entire career) is in our estimation, the definitive blizzard ditty. Clapton is quoted on Wikipedia as having once said that “Cocaine” is actually an anti-cocaine song. If you study it or look at it with a little bit of thought... from a distance... or as it goes by… it just sounds like a song about cocaine. But in actual fact, it is quite cleverly anti-cocaine.” Being that Clapton didn't write this song, this opinion is about as valuable as the answer you'd get if you asked the Byrds what they were thinking when they came up with "Mr. Tambourine Man". Defending his position, Clapton mentions the lyric, "If you wanna get down, down on the ground; cocaine" to demonstrate that the song is anti-coke. He doesn't mention though that every other lyric in the song could feature in the text of a Colombian drug-runner's spring/fall catalogue:
If you want to hang out, you've got to take her out, cocaine She don't lie, she don't lie, she don't lie, cocaine If you got bad news, you want to kick them blues, cocaine When your day is done and you got to run, cocaine She don't lie, she don't lie, she don't lie, cocaine If your thing is gone and you want to ride on, cocaine Dont forget this fact, you cant get it back, cocaine She dont lie, she dont lie, she don't lie, cocaine
Honorable and Dishonorable Mentions:
As always with these lists, there were more contenders than there were places in the Top 10. Here we've selected some other songs that could just as easily have made it up with their nostril-thrilling brethren above. Since there are Kid Rock fans out there, and quite possibly a fan of the Libertines might still be drawing air, we will let you determine which of these deserves an honorable or dishonorable badge. Click on the title of the song for the YouTube link:
We run streets like drunks run street lights We collidin' with life as we speak We knee-deep in coke, we keep deep in ice We flood streets with dope, we keep weed to smoke
Robert Frost home vandalized by drunks: I shall be telling you this with a sigh
We've been known to spritz all over the blogosphere like an aerosol can and on occasion, our dedicated readership gets to inhale vapors of a more "culturally uplifting" variety, if you will—different from what they may choke on recreationally or use to tag the side of a bus.
The shrewder among you may have noticed our novelty bobble-head nod to simile and metaphor in the opening paragraph, a tribute of sorts, to the theme of this posting: not opening night at the ballpark, but verse.
For some, poetry is the ABCB rhyme scheme in a bathroom stall, the gentleman from Nantucket, a wedding toast limerick that embarrassed the family of the bride, or some throwaway snippet of pop music (for example, an ABBA disco rhyme scheme courtesy of ABBA). If you turned on the radio in the 70s for instance, or came upon a classic rock station whose play list had atrophied like gray matter in a police precinct, you'd have heard what is quite possibly the worst verse ever set to music in the English language, "Love Hurts", by Nazareth:
I really learned a lot, Really learned a lot, Love is like a flame, It burns you when it’s hot.
For others, those who slogged through the Canterbury Tales or Beowulf in college before movie versions of either could hit the big screen as a study aid, as well as the general public, the name 'Robert Frost' is synonymous with man of verse, New England and Pulitzer hog.
Frost made the news recently, not because he came back from the dead to wow a new generation of freestyle rappers with stanzas, but because his former Vermont homestead was recently the target of drunk vandals as some 50 minors, taking the road less traveled by (actually, a dead-end road off Route 125), converged on the historic landmark for a raucous party. According to police reports, "Empty beer bottles and cans, plastic cups and cellophane apparently used to hold marijuana were also found [and] vandals vomited in the living room and discharged two fire extinguishers inside the building."
According to a local sergeant, wicker furniture and dressers were smashed and burned, to provide heat in the unheated structure. Roses are red, Violets are blue, We trashed the Frost home this Friday How 'bout you?
From where we sit, Nascar seems like it’s all about drinking beer while screaming your head off, while agreeing during more somber moments that Dale Earnhardt was a saint who walked the earth and we’ll never see his likes again on this terrestrial sphere. It seems like good fun – apart from that last bit – and preferable to Indy Racing with its loud noise and endless confusing laps of cars whipping by while you struggle to steady your drink from the vibrations.
