Loud Music in Bars Linked to Increased Drinking: Health Files from the Drawer Marked 'Obvious'

The presence of a bunch of clipboard wielding scientists blocking access to the bar, is apparently not enough to dissuade people from drinking, according to a new study in which it was determined after much scrutiny of the data (and noting that the sky above is a shade of blue) that people tend to drink more where the music is louder.

Over the course of three weekends French researchers were able to marry work and pleasure by frittering away grant money on what is patently obvious to anyone who's ever sidled up to a bar and thought to themselves, 'you know what? this place would be a hell of a lot more fun if there was a live band, or at the very least, a stereo'.

According to researchers at the University of Southern Brittany, 'environmental music played in a bar is associated with an increase in drinking', and while we're not sure what this means exactly, it might refer to Al Gore sitting in with the house band playing a carbon negative stand up bass.

Now, we've done comparable research ourselves, but had to fund it out of pocket and call it a tab when we came up with our Top 10 Bar Songs of All Time, a list which we highly recommend. And if you're ever in a bar where a bunch of eggheads are trying to spoil your good time, buy 'em a round and crank these to oblivion.

Coffee & Health: This week, it's good for you

This next topic is one with which we're intimately familiar, having written each and every post you've seen here under its influence: but we're not going to discuss absinthe or Haldol today. We'll save those twin joys for another morning. Instead, we're going to talk coffee.

In previous posts, we've examined mixing caffeinated beverages (so-called, 'energy drinks') with alcohol. It's coffee though, as anyone who's ever had to battle a crippling hangover to prep for that morning board meeting knows, that is the original energy drink.

[Editor's note: if you're determined to mix caffeinated beverages with alcohol, try a dollop of Sambuca in your morning espresso, Italian-style, rather than ruining perfectly good rum with some Coke---not that we'd endorse this for breakfast---we're speaking in general terms. However, having a Sambuca in your coffee for that aforementioned board meeting is highly recommended]

If you want to make your heart race, palms sweat and lose all faculties of speech, your best option is either falling in love, or, if a vacation to Amsterdam's red light district exceeds your allotted travel budget, downing a cup of $4 dollar Starbucks coffee.

Studies looking at the health benefits of coffee are equivocal, to say the least, but as with any study, if you're determined not to change your lifestyle/behavior in light of mounting, glacier-like evidence, it's best to simply ignore all the negative outcomes and instead focus on the positive: for example, decreasing one's risk for Parkinson's by smoking cigarettes (despite increasing your risk for just about every other possible affliction you can think of). Of course, not being named Michael J Fox or Muhammad Ali, not becoming a professional boxer, or not slamming your head repeatedly into drywall is also linked with decreasing one's risk of Parkinson's.

In a Spanish study involving nearly 85,000 participants, long-term health effects of the stuff that makes the prospect of 8:00AM classes and a dull cubicle job less gloomy, were examined.

The people who took part in the research completed questionnaires on how frequently they drank coffee, other diet habits, smoking and medical conditions, and hopefully didn't pose too many questions to researchers about any hypotheses, of the 'you mean you guys suspected that drinking carrot juice every week would kill me quickly and didn't TELL me about it?' variety.

Researchers then studied the mortality risk over the period of the study among people with different coffee-drinking habits, and not the 'cream and sugar' versus just 'just black thanks', variety, but the people (whoever they are) who don't indulge. Women who reported drinking two to three cups of caffeinated coffee per day had a 25 percent lower risk of death from heart disease than women who abstained.

It's possible that coffee drinking is linked to a go-getter attitude, of the type that doesn't involve sleeping until noon, and that people who get up much earlier in the day are more likely to exercise or that it's entirely difficult to be slothful when one is jittery, but that is just speculation.

French Happy Hour not so 'appy after all

As we've pointed out a few times here, we're Canadian and many Canadians take great pains to explain to bored foreigners who could not give two shits otherwise: we're much different from Americans. For example, the Great White North, for those of you who don't know, is an officially bilingual state, though in reality English speakers are much more well-versed in what's known as "Cereal box French". For our American friends, this refers to French language proficiency a well-fed gorilla could comfortably master in sign language, and that might lead the average tourist to a bathroom or the nearest lost and found should they be parachuted into Basse Normandie.

Colloquially, it refers to an ability to do little more in "The Language of Love that's not Italian" than read the back of a cereal box and determine its ingredients (say, if peanut products, a plastic inhalable toy or trans fats are contained therein) but would not get you off with Juliet Binoche if you met her in a bar.

For those of us who couldn't converse with an "enfant" with our "terrible" Francais, it's tempting when encountering a Frenchman to simply precede an English word with "La" or "Le" and hope not to be met with quizzical stares.

One phrase that would not be lost in translation, (like the eponymous movie starring Bill Murray should've been), is "Le Binge Drinking", so obviously adopted from the English as in the UK it's their national past-time second only to differentiating themselves from lowly continentals and not combing their hair.

Indeed, there are few countries, save for Russia or Germany, who can even begin to compete with the levels of self-ruination we've chronicled across the pond.

According to a recent report though, even France is battling the scourge of increased public drunkenness and is mulling over the banning of happy hour, that period of time between work and home life that doesn't leave you looking at your watch and wondering when it's time to punch the clock or go to bed.

Other possible measures could include restricting the sale of vodka, whiskey and other high-powered potables in discos to glasses, rather than entire bottles, that you could previously hoist above your head and swing around to the beat of 'Love in this Club' while pouring the contents into the mouth of whoever you'd like to bed that evening.

They are also considering raising the legal age to three years below that of the US, where hairlines can recede, and mortgages can be bought at the comparatively ripe age of 21. Mon dieu! Sacre bleu!

UK Study Says One in Three Hungover at Work (Other Two Still Drunk)

Before the manufacturing base took a hit, it was not uncommon for Johnny Lunchbox to take a hit of his own from time to time from a flask kept in a flannel pocket to help alleviate the drudgery of the assembly line. After some people stumbled into deep vats and others were left with one less limb with which to raise a pint, drinking on the job became seen as dangerous, and people were encouraged to save their heavy drinking for evening television viewing with the wife and kids.

Now, with the greatest danger in most workplaces being the guy whose score you just topped in “Scrabulous” giving you a sock in the jaw, people are once again seeing the benefits of a morning eye-opener followed up with a liquid lunch.

According to a study by Norwich (kinda rhymes with porridge and that’s not the sort of thing it’s advisable to eat while hungover -- See our Hangover Tips) Union Healthcare in the UK, one in three employees has been to work with a hangover, while more than one in 10 reported being drunk at their desks, according to a recently released poll. These numbers increase significantly when you take into account the fact that everybody lies to people conducting surveys like this.

"It seems that alcohol and the workplace often do go hand in hand", said one researcher, noting a pairing that is as natural as, say, a glass of whiskey and a mint Nat Sherman, which can be tucked under the increasing-at-the-rate-of-a-landfill to-do pile (see picture).

The study also found that 25 percent of people did the minimum amount of work and went home as soon as possible. The remaining 75 percent are presumably indentured servants, or insane.

An Inconvenient Truth for Boozers: Global Warming Threatens Beer Supply!

Many who saw “An Inconvenient Truth” left the theatre with one clear thought: I need a drink. The motivation for this would vary among viewers – for some it was the idea that they had just laid out their hard-earned entertainment dollar for the kind of thing that should have been on PBS, for others the combination of the dulcet tones of the former vice-president with all those bloody graphs and maps, and for others the impending doom that it preached was right on our doorstep. Regardless, it was nice to knock back a few cold ones when that one was over, blast the air-con, and content oneself with the knowledge that the globe was not that warm yet (this something that Canadians who suffered through one hell of a winter this year would also attest to).

The causes of global warming are debatable –scientists, maybe hoping for an honorable mention the next time the Nobels are handed out, have weighed in on this one by suggesting that it is caused by everything from the Olympic Torch to, uh, gassy moose. But what’s pretty widely accepted is the fact that globally temperatures are rising, and one threat has arisen that could take away one’s ability to relax after watching a film like “An Inconvenient Truth”: Beer is being threatened by global warming.

A New Zealand climate scientist recently said that rising temperatures would make it more difficult to grow malting barley, which as any tippler worth the price of a pint knows, is a key ingredient in beer. The doomsayer told the Institute of Brewing and Distilling: “It will mean either there will be pubs without beer [this makes the depressing Irish tune “The Pub With No Beer” seem prophetic] or the cost of beer will go up.”

That such a scenario could happen in the next 30 years is very worrying indeed, especially for those of us who are accustomed to a “beer crisis” referring to what happens when you leave one in the freezer for so long that you can no longer drink it. New strains of barley that cope better with the heat will need to be developed – double-time you scientists!

But, being the kind of guys who find silver linings on the darkest of shit-storm clouds, let us remind you that some forward-thinking brewers in Greenland got the jump on global warming a couple of years ago by bottling a brew with crystal clear water from what would appear to be an inexhaustible source: the country’s polar icecaps. Water from the melted caps is a key ingredient in Greenland Beer.

Smoking Bans Increase DUI rates: Of Cancer sticks and stick shifts

Cigarettes and alcohol make a natural pairing. Before cigarettes were invented, people's non-drinking hand would be used to say, illustrate a point about macro economic theory or indicate 'two more please' while the other would be tested keeping the contents of the glass level as your bar legs gave way.

In fact, many vices go together quite naturally, such as pulling the slot machine lever while taking copious sips of complimentary cranberry-based cocktails, or using a pint of your favorite lager to down a nighttimes' worth of pharmaceutical pleasures, while laying down $5 bets on whether the next person to enter a bar was male or female.
In the first study of its kind, a study in the Journal of Public Economics (a real page turner, especially if you're doing hard time and have reading materials restricted) looked at the relationship between the recent spate of smoking bans and DUI rates and the results have anti-smoking advocates fuming.

Researchers from the University of Wisconsin-Milwaukee, and the University of South Carolina noticed there was an increase in drunk driving accidents in non-smoking cities, as well as the boundary lines that surrounded them. Their conclusion: people like to smoke while drinking (duh) and will go to great lengths to find a bar where you can do both.

Another possibility: people unable to smoke in bars, will light up in their cars drunk, compromising the 'keep your hands on the 9 and 3 o'clock position of the wheel' driving school admonition (resulting in the less popular/effective, 'one hand on 6 o'clock with a cigarette in the other, puffing out the window while listening to Journey's greatest hits' position).

We're not entirely sure what impact this study will have, but we could sure go for a smoke and a cold one right about now.

Yuletide Cheers: How to spot a Christmas drunk – Shark style

Earlier this month, the British Home Office (the government body, not where you say you work in order to keep the tax man’s grubby paws out of your pockets) issued undercover police officers looking to fine bartenders serving the already inebriated – basically every bar patron during the holidays – a field manual telling them how to spot drunks during the holiday season.

The manual, given to 90 police teams countrywide taking part in the pre-Christmas Responsible Sales of Alcohol Campaign (Operation Killjoy by our lights), did British taxpayers proud, coming up with such startling observations as “[drunks tend to be] careless with money”, and they also cuss, bump into one another and, on a related note, engage in inappropriate sexual behavior, as well as slur their speech and have difficulty following any conversation that goes beyond: “Fancy a pint?” “Too right. Your round.”

Newspapers and pub trade publications (slur that three times fast while touching your nose with your big toe), like The Publican, mocked the Home Office’s effort, condemning it as “absolute nonsense”, and suggesting that the government would be better off focusing its efforts on the supermarkets, which are selling beer cheaper than water (a delightful trend for your bargain boozehound that we covered here).

Of course, the Home Office’s report deserved all the derision it received, and if we’ve added to that here then all the better, but being able to spot a true Christmas drunk as opposed to your average red-nosed holiday boozer is nonetheless important, and not just for police – it could save you and your loved ones from injury, or, possibly worse, having to pony up bail money for someone near and dear. In that spirit we present you with:

The Shark Guys’ Tips for Spotting a Christmas Drunk

Times when you can be sure that you are in the presence of an authentic Christmas drunk:

• Ambulances arrive early Christmas morning to attend to some drunk in a Santa suit who slid off an icy roof in an attempt to give Little Johnny an authentic Christmas experience.


• Little Johnny, earlier in the holiday season, gets a contact high from a mall Santa who has been drinking boxed wine all day (See “Mommy, Santa smells funny”, in the “Holiday Cheers” chapter of “The Man Who Scared a Shark to Death”, for a story of a mall Santa who did just that, crashed through the store’s front window, and, call it a holiday miracle if you will, still managed to keep his job).
  


• The person in question is spotted peeing Frosty The Snowman to an early grave.


• The serenity of a hymn at your Christmas Eve religious celebration is ruined by the off-key caterwauling of some drunk who’s just woken up and thinks it’s about time that “Waltzing Matilda” be given a proper airing.


• The person in question has rambled outside of your holiday party and is now on your front lawn simulating acts with your plastic reindeer that might forever corrupt poor Rudolph.


• The person in question is Kiefer Sutherland:
  
  

"I just joined AA. I still drink -- I just use a different name."

Controlled drinking may seem like an oxymoron not to mention a highly theoretical construct to us Shark Guys, however it’s beginning to hold more sway with folks who didn't use Psych 101 as a place to sleep off that Sunday hangover. The concept of controlled drinking, or what we sometimes engage in at lunch, has apparently emerged as a welcome and acceptable treatment alternative to the buzz kill offered by the folks at Alcoholics Anonymous—total abstinence.

Not abstaining at all, a concept we’ve kept an adamantine grasp on like that frayed rope your sadistic gym teacher had you climb in elementary school, might just be the best method of success. And this isn't us flapping our parched lips, but that's according to Dr. Michael Levy, author of "Take Control of Your Drinking...And You May Not Need to Quit", a tome that will be a welcome gift to sling under the tree of a loved one, while chapters are read aloud with a belt of eggnog.

While the more attainable objective of being able to continue to drink once you've been dubbed a "problem drinker" may seem well within a pint’s reach of the average tippler (and just the occasion to uncork that bubbly you’ve been saving for that time you tell your boss into which orifice you'll be sticking your penny loafer), don’t march gallantly into that nearest liquor store just yet. While you might be confident they won’t break your fall from that flying leap off the wagon, drinking in moderation goes against AA's core belief that alcoholics are in denial about being in control of their drinking.

Lest your instinct is to believe this is pure preachy hogwash (which is exactly how we reacted to it), there is some evidence to suggest heavy imbibers have actually damaged the part of the brain that can help control a drinking habit, which puts the pursuit of moderation beyond the realm of mere will. Unrelated research that we've conducted on our own also suggests that heavy and continued drinking can also result in inappropriate uses of the French language in parentheses (pourquoi?).

Now, Alcoholics Anonymous is often cited as having terrific success rates, far superior to say, a nicotine patch for smoking (a method of quitting that is hampered by having to try to find a piece of surface area to slap one on yourself as if you were the side of a FedEx package). However, with various sources pegging AA’s success rate at only between 20 and 40% depending on who you ask, and whether they themselves have been drinking, it’s no wonder a large portion of the population are willing to dance with the devil and steer clear of the God two-step cited in six of the twelve famous steps and toast this wonderful Dr Levy instead. Indeed, with a success rate like AA's -- which is similar to that of the worst performing team in any given sport in any given year, only worse -- it's no wonder that the organization has come under fire and demands have been made for its federal funding to be pulled out from under it quicker than a closing-time bartender can put up the closed sign and pour out the remainder of your drink.

Those responding to advocates of abstinence claim that abstinence and moderation are equally effective, citing a 2001-2002 National Epidemiologic Survey on Alcohol and Related Conditions. What remains controversial are the definitions of alcohol dependency (alcoholism) and abuse. AA covers their arses by stating that anyone who can recover by drinking moderately was never an alcoholic in the first place. Well if that isn't an invitation to bring a case of PBR to the next meeting we hear about and test the mettle of the participants, we just don't know what is.

Middle Class Values Boozing

Some wag once remarked, “I’d smoke while I sleep, if I could only find someone to hold my cigarette’. Express such a sentiment these days and you'll get not only a raising of a fire marshal’s scorched eyebrow but a wag of the finger by the growing glee club of killjoys hell-bent on having you mirror their chaste, dull lives. Now while your rejoinder might include a different finger, you can’t help but notice flipping through the channels that the phrase ‘hazardous to your health’ is increasingly cropping up in the evening news—likely referencing some snack or indulgence you’ve been shoving into your gullet for years that will be soon be handled solely with tongs and a biohazard suit-- and'll
shave more months off your life than that cul de sac condo with a power lines panorama.

A health agency in the UK who we’ve chosen not to name here, not because we think it’s bad form to take swipes at some do-gooder NPO, but because its acronym wasn’t nearly catchy enough to pot shot from our humor cannon—has set ‘hazardous drinking’ guidelines defined as “the equivalent of between 9.5 and 21 pints a week of normal strength lager.” Or, to put it another way— ‘a pretty damn good weekend’.

While in some circles, these guidelines are more difficult to accomplish than 9.5 seconds in the 100 meter, it’s not newsworthy in of itself. What IS newsworthy though, is that this same group ranks the middle class the biggest abusers of alcohol, and say that it’s these folk with their SUVs, fat retirement savings and Autistic-like devotion to lawn maintenance, unwinding after work with a bottle of plonk who are most at risk.

The health agency advocates a “substantial” increase in the price of hooch to curb the problem, which is, arguably, just a measure of wealth redistribution you commie buggers.